Key Edit Edit
- HD: Hugh Dennis
- EB: Ed Byrne
- JR: John Robins
- JA: James Acaster
- HW: Holly Walsh
- RB: Rob Beckett
Rejected Exam Questions Edit
RB - If Maria from Russia combines ephedrine with oxycontin, will she win her next tennis match?
HD - Was Elizabeth the first? No? Then who did you lose your virginity to?
HW - If I have two balls in this hand, and two balls in this hand, how am I going to explain this to the Board of Governors?
EB - What is the role Adolf Hitler and the Nazis played in keeping the History Channel on the air?
JR - If it takes John's girlfriend 14 minutes to walk to the train station (through clenched teeth) then why are we still getting ready?
JA - Which of the following is a quote by Winston Churchill? A) "We will fight them on the beaches", B) "Goddamn, I love these peaches", or C)- (breaks up laughing)
RB - If you buy four apples for 10 pounds, stop shopping at Waitrose!
JA - If The Borrowers never returned anything they borrowed, why were they called "The Borrowers" and not "The Thieving Little Bastards"?
HD - History: Who were the Liberal Democrats?
HW - Welcome to the telekinesis exam. You may now turn the page over with your mind.
JR - British Citizenship Test Question 1: Who is the leader of the Conservative Party? (pause) And now? (pause) How about now?
EB - If a man can make 400,000 pounds a year as an estate agent, why is he wasting his life setting exam questions while locked in a loveless marriage?
RB - In less than 200 words, please describe your plan for Brexit. Please, anything will do. Literally, anything.
JA - Which of the following is a quote by Winston Churchill? A) "We will fight them on the beaches", B) "Goddamn, I love these peaches"- I can't do that move... (buzz)
HD - Predict the next number in this sequence: 1966.
RB - Question 1,066: When was the Battle of Hastings?
EB - Biology: Take the dead rat and dissect it, remove its head, and nail it to the canteen door as a warning to other rats.
HD - Which is bigger- 52% or 48%? That's democracy, get on with it.
JA - Which of the following is a famous- fuck it!
Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Train Edit
RB- The next station will be Wimbledon. Change here for overground, underground, and Wombling-free.
HD- The next stop for this train will be Waterloo. It's not meant to be, but the brakes have failed.
EB- (miming as he's on a phone) Yeah, I just want to tell you I'm on the train. No, since everyone else is doing it, I thought I'd join in.
RB- Hello, this is your driver speaking. CHOO CHOO!
JA- Now an announcement for the people who insist they sit the way the train is moving 'cause sitting backwards feels weird: You're weird!
JR- This train will shortly be arriving in Taunton. Please remember to turn off all mobile phones, lest they mistake you for gods.
HD- This is an announcement for all passengers: Piss off, the lot of ya! This is Crossrail...
RB- Due to Britain leaving the EU, this train will no longer stop at Ashby-de-la-Zouch.
HW- Bing bong. Could the owner of a missing xylophone please make their way to the guards' carriage?
EB- This is an announcement for the passengers who are complaining that this service is late: Can I just point out that this as is Southern Rail, you're lucky to be on a fucking train at all?
RB- Bing bong. (really fast) ThisisthebullettrainservicetoTokyo-- oh, we're here, everybody off.
HD- Would the driver please contact the guard? We're doing 120, you don't seem to be in the cab, mate.
EB- Please mind the gap between the time table and reality.
HD- There is a quiet carriage on this train for those shocked into silence by the price of the ticket.
JR- Oh, don't get off here, I was listening to that!
JA- AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH! OH! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! Bah, I'm scared of tunnels, I'm so scared of tunnels!