- HD: Hugh Dennis
- MJo: Milton Jones
- JW: Josh Widdicombe
- ET: Ellie Taylor
- MJu: Miles Jupp
- LG: Loyiso Gola
Unlikely Things for a Sports Commentator to Say
JW - And there you have it, Andy Murray has won his second Wimbledon, thank you for watching. I'm Tim Henman, this is the worst day of my life.
HD - Let's see what the batsman does with this ball. He's nicked it. Give us back our ball!
MJu - Well, he has really got the end of that, he has hit that ball a long way, long long long way back in the crowd. That is, that is dreadful snooker.
MJo - Rooney, to Vardy, back to Rooney, to Vardy, nope, neither of them could open that packet of sandwiches.
LG - And the results for the Russian doping tests have come out. I must say those are some good drugs.
ET - So nice to see Quidditch finally in the Olympics. Look at all the proud, proud virgins.
HD - Eugenie Bouchard hits the backhand. That is a fantastic shot! Well done, the cameraman. Low angle, perfect view of her knickers...
JW - So you join us here for the opening ceremony of Rio 2016. And the stadium is rocking, mainly because they haven't finished building it yet.
MJo - Eeeee! Yes, this Grand Prix is cancelled, but I managed to catch a wasp under this paper cup! Eeeeee!!!
JW - That's a bull's eye, and you know what that means. I won't be buying a pie from Gregg's again.
HD - McElroy takes out the driver. Uber aren't gonna be happy about that.
MJu - Look at all that athletes in peak physical condition. If I could see one of them naked, I would die happy.
HD - And with one lap to go, the pacemaker drops out-- WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PACEMAKER?!
Things You Wouldn't Read In A Romantic Novel
JW - They fell back onto the bed panting. He turned to George and said, "I will be with you whatever."
MJu - "Goodness," said Elizabeth Bennett, returning to the drawing room. "I'd leave that for Five."
HD - She pulled his hair and slapped him roughly. But still, Jeremy Corbyn wouldn't resign.
MJo - He opened an eye, she thought he might love him. He opened another eye, she thought he did love him. He opened another eye, she was put right off.
LG - She looked into his eyes and said, "This is not gonna work out. I am from a wealthy family... and you're a donkey!"
ET - She kissed him the only way she knew how: On his penis, right on his penis.
MJu - He felt so close to her, he didn't know where he ended and she began. Being a Human Centipede was the worst.
ET - They romped for hours in the long grass, stopping only for her to take her antihistamine nasal spray.
HD - "You. I love you," said Mellers the gardener. "Oak and beech are fine, but my favorite tree is yew."
JW - As she looked at Mr. Darcy with his clothes dripping wet, she thought, "I wish I hadn't taken that job at the old people's home."
HD - What do I love about you? Your eyes, your hair, your Irish passport...
MJu - "Please stop doing that," he said, their bodies glistening. "I've got a long drive to Wrexham in the morning and I need to sit comfortably."
HD - Eyes. You are all I's, Miss... Mississippi.
MJo - Kim turned to Andy and said, "Yes, of course I will!" Andy said, (dull Scottish voice) "Thank you for making me the happiest man in the world."