RB- Rob Beckett
AB- Angela Barnes
EG- Ed Gamble
NK- Nish Kumar
HD- Hugh Dennis
MJ- Milton Jones
Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A TV Detective Show Edit
HD - These dots, these dashes. What do they mean, inspector? Morse?
RB - Look, I'm sorry, Poirot, but Brexit means Brexit, so...
NK - Welcome to Midsomer, Officer Patel.
EG - On entering, we found a feline jammed into a Xerox machine. We think it was a copycat crime.
MJ - Welcome to Baker Street, madame. It seems you came from Seven Oaks via Waterloo, and you bought those shoes in Selfridge's, and you're here because you fear someone... is stalking you.
AB - Sarge, I've checked his pockets and there's no sign of the stolen butt plug.
HD - Blood, skin, fragments of bone. Why did I order the sausages?
EG - And according to the coroner's report, he had his head removed and a wedge of lime shoved down his neck. Sorry, that's the Corona's report.
MJ - You're arresting me for playing chess in the road? It's 'cause I'm black, isn't?
RB - Oh, it's elementary, isn't it, you snarky prick?
HD - I think going undercover at the strip joint is a good idea. But is it really your thing, Miss Marple?
EG - There is some semen at the scene of the crime. What can I say? I love forensics!
NK - Well, I yell you what, Watson, how about this week you solve the crime and I'll ask all the stupid fucking questions?
RB - This week on The Bill, an unlikely suspect: Someone who can act!
AB - The bloods have come back from the lab, but the Crips are held up in traffic.
EG - I'm so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Trump. Now firstly, can you think of anyone who didn't have a motive to do this?
HD - These are his movements just before he was killed. (Acts shocked, whispers "You!", acts like he's been stabbed, falls to the floor)
Things You Didn't Hear At The Olympics Edit
AB - And that's a new record from Usain Bolt: 9.5... in one night!
HD - Let's see what's happening in the velodrome. Yep, cycling.
RB - Oh, You won a gold. Well done, what in? Canoeing? Oh, get a life, mate.
MJ - I've just come out of the diving pool. Look at the color of my legs!
EG - Look at that masterful control of his javelin. He is the best streaker we had all year.
HD - Well, this is the pommel horse and that plaintive neigh is the horse they are pommeling.
MJ - Time for the next fight now. He floats like a butterfly, he stings like a bee, he's got a black belt, he's got five black belts-- Okay, he's a wasp.
NK - And if you'd like to enjoy our coverage of the dressage, we recommend MDMA.
EG - And his penis has slapped the top of the bar, that is a straight ban from Weatherspoons.
RB - The allegations of drug use have been strenuously denied by the new Russian minister for doping, Keith Vaz.
MJ - We were afraid the Chinese were gonna use doping. And here she is. What a fantastic athlete, Do Ping!
HD - Breaking news, Ryan Lochte has tested positive for being a twat.
AB - And Oscar Pistorius has jumped the gun, and for that he'll only get six years.
NK - Well, a nearly perfect execution there, but not as perfect as the one he'll get when he returns to North Korea.
RB - You join me live at the horse dancing, fucking state of it.