HD: Mr. Stubborn wouldn't leave. He was the elected leader of the Labour Party.
RR: I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll blow you, Keith Vaz!
EG: As Noddy looked at his new friends Rampant Rabbit and Linda The Love Egg, he realized he was in a different kind of Toy Town.
EB: And all the animals of Buttercup Farm celebrated 'cause Percy Pig was going to the slaughterhouse and they never had to listen to that whiny little bastard again!
AB: And the beautiful woman was cursed to sleep for 100 years. And that's your defense, is it, Mr. Cosby?
Dara: She didn't do it, don't boo her.
HD: "I'm Paddington Bear from Peru," said Paddington, "and if you show me where the toilet is, I'll poo out this condom of cocaine."
IG: It's the absolutely horrific follow-up to "Netflix and Chill": Swallows and Amazons.
RR: And was there a happy ending? Well, the prince did love massage parlours.
AB: "I will never tell you my name, you will have to guess my name," said Rumpelstiltskin, really holding up the queue at Starbucks.
EG: From under the bridge came the voice of the troll, (mimes typing) "Waa, women can't be Ghostbusters! Send."
IV: Every day, Jack and Jill have to walk up a hill just to fetch one pail of water. But for just five pounds a month...
HD: "Oh. It wasn't a giant peach at all," thought James as he watched the Big Friendly Giant put on his swimming trunks.
EB: He pushed aside the clothes and there, at the back of the wardrobe, he found a magical land of nipple clamps and lube.
EG: There's an Indian in the cupboard! I think he's hiding from UKIP! (RR approaches the mic) Oh, come on.
RR: I've been in this cupboard for bloody ages.
Things You Wouldn't Hear On a Quiz Show
IG: You've already used your fifty-fifty to narrow down the options to A) In, or B) Out. Mr. Cameron, are you sure you want to ask the audience?
HD: Well, in that round on Sexually Transmitted Diseases, you passed on four...
EG: We asked you for things that start with an "E". You said a great night out with the lads.
HD: Welcome to Britain's only quiz about birds of prey. Fingers on buzzards, please.
RR: Here at The Chase, we just want to reiterate that our chaser is not called "The Dark Destroyer" for any ethnic reasons. Now, can you please welcome our new chaser, Raj "The Head Wobbler" Patel.
AB: So, the final round on OAP Quiz is sudden death. BOO!
EB: Welcome to Eggheads. Well, we couldn't call it Smug Pricks, could we?
RR: Welcome to Tipping Point, for people who are too thick to follow The Chase.
EG: Name? Keith Vaz- I mean, Jim! Occupation? MP- I mean, washing machine salesman!
EB: I'm afraid we're gonna have to take your first answer, so let's see if the capital of Azerbaijan is "Fucked if I know."
HD: Is that your final answer? (pause) I'll marry someone else, then...
IG: Well, at the end of this week's episode of University Challenge, the scores are Durham 170, Exeter 145. But, of course, the real winner is Ivo's dad Hugh at home who got two questions right and is going to bang on about it for the rest of the bloody week.
EG: Well, we've given the contestants their meth and sent them to Hampden Court. Welcome to The Crystal Maze.
EB: My chosen specialized subject? Uh, your wife. Yeah, you heard me.
HD: (back to the audience, pretends to unzip his pants as if he's urinating) I've started, so I'll finish...
RR: Well, that was the banker, and he says he thinks you're going to accept this deal, because in his box is your wife.
HD: Well, today, it's Kelly Brook and Joey Essex versus Stephens Hawking and Fry. This is fucking pointless.
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