JA- James Acaster
HD- Hugh Dennis
AB- Angela Barnes
EG- Ed Gamble
MJ- Milton Jones
TI- Tez Ilyas
Things You Didn't Hear During The Election Edit
TI- THE TRUTH!
AB- And representing the Conservatives, Teresa May.
JA- I promise to deliver a hard Brexit. Unless you're not in, and then I'll leave it with your neighbor, which is Europe. I haven't thought that through.
MJ- The Scottish people have spoken. Did anyone understand what they were saying?
EG- Here at the BBC, we need balance. (lifts one leg) Jeremy Corbyn's shit.
HD- So, the polls have closed. (turns off-camera) Untie Boris!
EG- Please welcome this month's Gay Times cover star, Tim Ferron!
MJ- I am the returning officer... and it's great to be back.
AB- I do not make U-Turns. And more importantly, I do make U-Turns.
EG- Hello and welcome to the Take Me Out all night election special. Let the ballots see the box.
HD- Would you press the red button? Mr. Corbyn, would you press the red button? We have been stuck in this lift for 20 minutes!
JA- Taxes will be so low if you vote fore me... Jimmy Carr.
HD- This is my pledge. Get your own furniture polish!
JA- I've got a great plan to save the NHS. First we live the EU. Then we use the extra 350-- huh? Can I interest you in a free bus?
EG- Hello and welcome to Newsnight. Teresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, Tim Ferron: Shag, marry, kill?
MJ- I am the returning officer...
TI- Yes, okay, Jeremy Corbyn may have Stormsy, but I have Gary Barlow. Take that!
JA- Ima create so much new housing: A series of one-room flats with an amazing view of London. Also, unrelated, I'm closing the London Eye.
MJ- One person in this election has consistently brought up green things: (hacks up something) Me, Caroline Mucous.
HD- So, it looks like the Tory majority is going to be exactly the same as it was. What a fucking waste of time that was.
Unlikely Lines From A Cosmetics Commerical Edit
TI- Are you an older woman struggling with her facial hair? Try Gillette, the best a nan can get.
AB- Would you like lashes with more volume? LASHES!
EG- You don't need lip liner or eyeliner with our new bin liner.
HD- What goes into our True Naked Infallable Moisture Crushing Nature Colour Body Palette Moisturizer? A selection of random words that mean "fuck all".
EG- What's my secret for smooth skin? I'm 20!
MJ- Is your hair out of control? Do you wear wacky shirts? Well, hey, you're great just how you are.
HD- You want fuller, rounder lips? I recommend a nut allergy.
TI- Are you tired of missing out on the opportunities that your peers get? Try White Privilege Foundation.
JA- Here comes the science. GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL! NONE OF THIS MATTERS!
MJ- (German accent) We in the German city of Cologne have a fragrance called "Birmingham."
HD- This apricot scrub removes the surface layers to leave you with the smoothest, most rejuvenated apricot you've ever seen.
MJ- And for one last time, it's me, the returning officer!
JA- This product makes your eyelashes really big... by shrinking your eyeballs.
AB- Want that football hooligan abroad look? What not try Oil Of Ole Ole Ole Ole?
JA- Sorry, has anyone seen the returning officer?
MJ- Any messages?
EG- Our new powder gives you the confidence to hit the town: Cocaine!