The following is a list of Scenes We'd Like To See topic and suggestions for the tenth episode of the fifteenth series.
NK- Nish Kumar
KG- Kerry Godliman
GM- Glenn Moore
AB- Angela Barnes
HD- Hugh Dennis
JA- James Acaster
Unlikely Things To Hear On A TV Police Show
HD- It's not my fault. You told me to reconstruct the crime, so I killed someone.
AB- So according to this, the suspect was five-foot five, red hair, glass-- How pissed was I last night?!
KG- Sarge, I can't find any fingerprints. I don't think the killer had any hands. Oh no, gloves. Yeah, fair point. They could have been wearing gloves.
GM- Sargeant, you left the luggage in a wind tunnel? Oh, this is gonna blow the case wide open!
JA- Put your hands where I can see them! Oh, yeah, those are some sexy hands.
AB- You're going down for a very long time because I did it for you on your birthday.
GM- (speaking in a muffled voice) Um, the attacker first entered the house when-- (normal voice) Oh, you'll alter my voice afterwards?
NK- I told y'all to play this one by the book! Now I got the FBI and the D.A. on my ass and also everybody keeps thinking on the phone I'm African-American when I'm clearly a Chinese lady!
JA- When forensics arrives, let them know that as usual, a lot of the semen is courtesy of your truly.
KG- So is this the body here, yeah-- oh, God, sorry, Tina, I didn't recognize you without your make-up.
GM- Wait, so you're trying to tell me the the mounted policemen at the home end of Liverpool stadium fired a bullet that just about grazed Liverpool's manager? You're trying to tell me the cop cop on clip-clops clipped Klopp?
JA- We're the boys in blue. We wanted to be called the Blue Man Group, but that name was already taken by some very talented individuals.
HD- Hate crime? No, I love crime. It's what I do.
GM- We've searched the suspect's room and we've found traces of semen, alcohol, and cocaine. Our conclusion: Absolute legend.
AB- For the benefit of the tape, the suspect is a very lovely bit of rough.
GM- He can find any body. He can find any suspect. But can he find himself? This is Gap Year Detective.
Things You Never Hear On Daytime TV
KG- (blinking) Good morning, I'm Susannah Reid, and I'm not blinking, this a cry for help in morse code.
HD- Shouldn't you be at college?
AB- Something a bit different in today's episode of Countdown, Susie Dent is actually gonna be playing the game. Let's see how she copes without her fucking dictionary.
NK- Welcome to Escape To The Country, or to give it its full title, Some Smug Wankers Fancy A Bit Of Fresh Air.
JA- Welcome to Smell The Cheese.
GM- Welcome. You're watching Four In A Bed, where we'll be catching up with your mum.
HD- Well, he already presents everything, and now he's fronting the new ITV breakfast show. Yes, it's Good Morning Briain.
GM- Well, coming up now on BBC Two, you can use the red button to choose your daytime show: It's either a travel documentary about alcoholic narcoleptic rabbis on holiday, or a current affairs and arts programme. It's You Snooze You Lose Booze Cruise For Jews or News And Reviews, you choose.
HD- Well, it's a difficult topic, but later on, we'll be talking about premature ejac-- oh, no.
NK- Welcome to Good Morning Britain. I'm Piers Morgan and I'm sorry.
KB- Next up, Holly and Phillip will be demonstrating the ancient art of bukkake-- kabuki, kabuki!
HD- This week on A Place In The Country, YOU DON'T GET ONE UNLESS YOU'VE GOT A SPECIAL SKILL! THAT IS WHAT BREXIT MEANS!
AB- And this week on Location, Location, Location, will Kirsty and Phil finally find that garage to bang in?
JA- (scratching himself) There was no cash in that attic, just loads of fiberglass insulation!
KG- And next on Jeremy Kyle, the childhood sweethearts celebrating their 25 year anniversary. Not really, it's a couple of crackheads with no teeth.
JA- Today on Escape To The Country, we're escaping the law, and the country in question is Mexico.
GM- Welcome back to Homes Under The Hammer with Dion Dublin, the show that makes you go, "Dion Dublin? As in the Dion Dublin?"
HD- (in a bored tone) Well, because they're all the same and I can't be bothered to announce them all, here's Flog Dickinson's Antique Some Hammer Pointless Breakout In The Country. Fucking finishes at five.