NK- Nish Kumar
FW- Felicity Ward
EG- Ed Gamble
MJu- Miles Jupp
HD- Hugh Dennis
MJo- Milton Jones
Unlikely Things To Hear Over A Tannoy Edit
HD- Would all virgins please report to the Virgin check-in desk?
FW- If you have any excess baggage, please report it to a train guard. If you have any emotional baggage, just report it to Tina. She's a good listener.
MJo- Welcome to Homebase. We particularly welcome our staff from Guantanamo Bay. We hope you'll feel at home dressed in orange and being asked questions you don't know the answers to.
HD- RyanAir are pleased to announce that a refund on all cancelled flights can be picked up from the Monarch check-in desk.
NK- (rapping) My name is Tannoy Dave and I'm here to say I'm really bored at work, have yourself a great day!
EG- And to the parents of the lost little boy Timothy: We have found him so now's the chance to make your escape. He's really a little shit, isn't he?
MJo- (miming reading a card) Welcome, everyone, to Weight Watchers. It really doesn't matter how many pastries-- past tries you've had...
HD- Would someone with a camera please come to the tannoy room? I have sat on the microphone and I am literally talking out of my arse!
EG- If you look out the left window of the train, you'll see the sea. And if you look out the right window, you'll see the sea-- OH GOD, WE'RE IN THE SEA!
MJu- Bing bong. Could the person who's stolen the "bing bong" machine please bring it back?
FW- Attention shoppers, we have a young man who says he's lost. I mean, he's 45, he just needs some career advice.
HD- Would the man in the red Speedos doing the front crawl at lane four please stop? This is a bowling alley.
MJu- I don't wish to upset or worry anybody, but do we have a doctor on board? Or failing that, a pilot?
MJo- This is the captain of the ship speaking. Last night we were attacked by a giant blind space monster. I fired a laser at it, but unfortunately, it's cured its eyesight.
NK- Would the owner of a Land Rover please realize you live in a city, have no need for an off-road vehicle, and everyone hates you?
EG- We have illuminated the seatbelt sign which means Seatbelt Man will be here very soon!
HD- Southern Rail would like to apologize for the-- Fuck me, there's one coming!
Unlikely Things From A Blockbuster Movie Edit
NK- No, Mr. Bond, I don't expect you to talk, I expect you to die... of the many STDs you've contracted. Jesus, man, pop a johnny on!
MJo- Thesaurus: The Movie, The Film, The Flick, The Motion Picture...
HD- That's Mad Max. Those are his brothers, Sad Max, Bad Max, and Glad Max. And this is the fella who started it all, Dad Max.
MJu- You might well be a Blade Runner, Ryan, but in this house we do not run with scissors!
EG- Not only do I transform from a truck into a robot, I also do next day delivery. My name is Optimus Prime!
FW- Are you trying to seduce me? I just work here, man. Do you want the free Coke with the meal deal or not?
HD- You want to return the Jedi. Of course. Credit note give you I will.
NK- Whoever you are, I will find you and I will-- oh, I'm so sorry, I think I've got the wrong number.
MJo- Frozen: The tragic tale of pensioners confused by gas tariffs.
EG- The name's Bond, Tony Bond, James' brother. I don't have a license to kill, but I've got one to drive a forklift, but apparently that doesn't count for ANYTHING, DOES IT, MUM?!
MJu- Doctor Strange, you say? How strange on a scale of Zeus to Shipman?
HD- Imagine a world where monkeys have given up tobacco: Planet of the Vapes.
MJo- So, Bond, this is your cover, working in this optician's. It's called "For Four Eyes Only".
NK- Oh god, the dead have ri-- Oh, no, it's a Tory Party conference, sorry.
EG- This is Spiderman: Homecoming. And like most teenage boys, Spiderman's at home, coming.
FW- Go ahead, make my voice higher. (mimes inhaling helium from a balloon, then speaks in a higher voice) Oh, like an Oompa Loompa! Ah!
MJu- My mama always said to me "Life is like a box of chocolates: Something that you panic buy at a service station on the way to visit relatives."
HD- (Cockney accent) Come on, Governor, don't get me an hard time! I'm the Cockney Avenger: Any Old Iron Man!
MJo- I am Loki, the mischief god of Norse! Why is no one else dressed up? Oh, you said "dress low-key"...