The following is a list of Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions for the third episode of the sixteenth series.
NK- Nish Kumar
KG- Kerry Godliman
EG- Ed Gamble
AB- Angela Barnes
HD- Hugh Dennis
GD- Gary Delaney
Unlikely Things To Hear On The Radio
AB- And this week, an unlikely entry at number ten, it's the DUP!
EG- Well, I had a curry last night, so I imagine it's gonna be an absolute nightmare. And that's the end of the shitting forecast.
KG- And next, the last night of the Proms, although they do say that every year, so I'm calling it bullshit!
GD- Ooh, me hip. Innit it cold? Aren't the police younger than they used to be? You're listening to Sounds of the 70s.
HD- Tonight on Drive Time, I'm on a tarmac. Beautiful lovely one.
AB- In traffic news, we're hearing of a helicopter crash on the M4. Let's go to the eye in the sky, Mark. Mark? Mark?
NK- Welcome to Drive Time with me, Richard Hammond, and now-- AAH!
KG- And today on Women's Hour, we are not gonna discuss the menopause. Only kidding, is it more or is hot in here, I don't know whether to laugh or cry!
HD- Well, until tomorrow, this is John Humprys saying shut it, mofo, I will wreck you.
EG- Later we'll be talking about the new craze of taking Ecstasy then having sex on your back. Coming up whilst coming up, that's coming up.
GD- Three dads, but who will get the kidney transplant? Welcome to Pick Of The Pops.
KG- And the paper review. A4's still smashing it!
HD- (makes four beeps) Here are the headlines, a lorry has just reversed into the studio.
AB- You're listening to Radio 3. Ooh, someone's got ideas above their station!
EG- And we interrupt Gardener's Question Time not for any particular reason, we thought you might be bored.
NK- And now on LBC, some soothing whale music-- Nah, just kidding, it's some people shouting at each other.
GD- And now the shipping news: Your parcel has been dispatched.
HD- Well, it's time for requests now on hospital radio. Jeff in Ward Three says "Can you shut the fuck up? I'm trying to get some sleep."
Bad Things To Hear During A Medical Exam
KG- Now you may feel a little prick, so no change there, eh, Jeremy Hunt?
HD- Could you, uh, could you just urinate into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.
EG- And if you just pop your clothes off, sit down there with everyone else, and the doctor should see you in half an hour.
AB- Mr. Jones, I'm gonna need you to have more fiber in your diet because my hand's completely stuck.
NK- Unfortunately due to NHS cutbacks, I'm afraid we're gonna have your diabetes seen to by our new consultant, Dr. Pepper.
GD- And if I could just insert this end of the camera into your colon, and that should hold it steady while I take a selfie.
KG- I have seen some cervixes in my time, but yours is a belter!
EG- Would you mind if a student sits in? He's a geography student, never seen boobs before.
AB- I'm happy to be able to tell you that that unsightly lump on your breast is Calum Best!
NK- Hello, John, thank you very much for coming on Embarrassing Bodies. Now if you would just-- WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
HD- Well, the test results are back. I failed, I'm not a qualified doctor.
GD- Well, the bad news is you're going to have to take one of these tablets for the rest of your life. The really bad news is I'm only giving you three.
KG- I'm afraid to say you've got only about four weeks left. I'm really sorry, Teresa.
HD- First, I'm going to insert my finger in your rectum... (mimes pulling something out) Is this your card?
KG- Okay, so we got your urine sample in. I thought it was quite citrusy with a hint of mango.
EG- So sorry, I think I've run out of latex gloves. Do you mind if I use this one that I got when I was in the audience at Gladiators?
HD- Okay, now I'm just gonna test your reflexes. (shouts off-camera) Release the leopard!
EG- So just spread your legs for me. I'm aware you came in for a sore throat, but it all joins up, doesn't it?