- HD: Hugh Dennis
- JA: James Acaster
- TA: Tom Allen
- EB: Ed Byrne
- RJ: Rhys James
- ET: Ellie Taylor
Unlikely Lines from a Sci-Fi Film
ET: Oh my God, he's come back through the portal! Who? Henry VIII!
HD: This is a problem, sir. I launched a 4 tonne torpedo, but it wouldn't flush.
EB: I felt a terrible disturbance in the force, like a million voices-- Oh no, it's just wind, sorry.
JA: We shot down on of the flying saucers and now there's rice paper and sherbet everywhere.
RJ: I can't fly this thing without a manual. Forget about Emmanuel, he's not coming back!
TA: You've eaten Han Solo? Oh Chewie, that was a Wookie mistake.
HD: Lord Vader, the results are in for the naming of the new Death Star. The public wish to call it "Deathy McDeathface."
ET: I see you've attempted to create a new lightsaber, which is disappointing because you're 40, Gary, and meant to be looking after our son!
JA: It's Alien vs. Predator at Subbuteo.
HD: So, Obi-Wan... Sorry, what did he win?
EB: Number one, you have the bridge. I'm off for a number two.
RJ: I've been asleep for a thousand years, cryogenically frozen in time, and now I wake up and see... oh, someone's drawn a cock and balls on my face, haven't they?
ET: Mrs. Skywalker, I'm afraid the baby's stuck in the birth canal. (breathes heavily) USE THE FORCEPS! (breathes heavily)
EB: Yoda, Chewie, Darth Vader: Shag, marry, kill. That order.
JA: My name is Optimus Prime and today I'm going to save the world, so you'll be doing me a massive favour if you can move this MOT to tomorrow.
TA: This ship will self-destruct in T minus 5. Ok, sure, but how long actually is that because no one's told me what T actually is?
HD: I think these super-intelligent beings want us to learn their language. If you come here, you have to speak English, mate!
Things You Wouldn't Hear in a Political Discussion Show
ET: Contenders, ready!
EB: We'll take a question from the back. Yes, the man in the blue tie with the haunted look of a nonce on the run?
RJ: On tonight's programme, we'll be discussing the NHS, fracking and affordable housing. Only joking, it's fucking Brexit again.
JA: Most people don't realise the bell is called Big Ben and not the clock. The clock is called "Tickety Ted the Time-Telling Bitch."
HD: On Newsnight tonight, drugs, binge drinking and prostitution. We have the best after-show party on television.
EB: Hi, I'm Tess Daly. And I'm Tom Daley. Welcome to The Daily Politics.
TA: Hello and welcome to Question Time. Is it real or is it just a fabricated construct? Join us as we question time.
HD: And here with us, Theresa May.
RJ: We keeping trying ways to stop ISIS and we keep failing, so I ask you this: Has anyone tried a petition?
JA: (chanting and clapping) Vince Cable sitting on a table! Vince Cable sitting on a table! Vince Cable sitting on a table! We've run out of chairs!
EB: What would the average Victorian-era butler have thought of this news? Well, joining us now is Jacob Rees Mogg.
HD: UKIP is not a single issue party. We're not only worried about immigration, we're worried about foreigners and people from abroad.
TA: Robert Peston on Sunday: The first lyric rejected by Craig David.
JA: We should stop arguing Surely we can all agree whoever smelt it, dealt it.
EB: Yes, my question is for Mr. Davis. Er, I get wetter as I dry, what am I?
ET: And tonight, we'll be trying something new, so gentlemen, if you could just flop them out, we can finally see whose is biggest.
RJ: Yes, we have a question from a man wearing glasses and a red and white striped jumper. Does anyone know where he's sitting?
HD: No, I, absolutely do believe in free speech, and I would love to say this: Fuck off!