- HD: Hugh Dennis
- JA: James Acaster
- GD: Gary Delaney
- EB: Ed Byrne
- IG: Ivo Graham
- ZL: Zoe Lyons
Unlikely Things for a Continuity Announcer to Say
HD: The following programme contains swearing right from the fucking start.
GD: Up next, The Walking Dead. Oh, sorry, Songs of Praise.
JA: It's time for some continuity!
ZL: Now on Channel 5, we explore the bizarre underworld of bondage ballroom dancing. It's Come Strictly.
HD: And now it's my favourite, The Crystal Meth... Maze!
IG: Coming up next on Channel 4, oh my god, those buildings are in the shape of a four! This is amazing!
EB: And now our Friday night horror film, Bruce Willis stars as a ghost who doesn't realise he's dead in The Sixth... oh I've ruined it, haven't I?
GD: Up next on Naked Attraction, a man who's going to spend the next 3 years telling his friends it was a lot colder than it looked in the studio.
ZL: If you're sat at home this afternoon and you're not in your 80s, well this programme is just like you. It's Pointless.
JA: Well, we all love Chanel No 5. This is nothing like it. It's Channel 5.
EB: And now our Saturday night thriller, Kevin Spacey stars as the shady gangster Keyser Soze in... I've done it again, haven't I?
JA: From the makers of Love Island, Cul-de-sac Orgy.
HD: Coming up next on ITV, will Dara cop off with Ed in Love Ireland?
GD: Next up, The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Oh, sorry, Robot Wars.
IG: The following programme contains material that some viewers may find distressing. Unless you're my ex-wife, Karen, of course. Nothing's going to melt that cold bitch's heart.
JA: We've just bought Bake Off cause anyone can. We're a porn channel! We bought Bake Off just for a joke! We just did it as a joke, but we've got it now! We've got the new series of Bake Off! We're going to show it! Like, just banging, banging, banging, Bake Off, banging again! It's a joke!
HD: This is Dave Deja Vu, where we repeat the repeats we repeated earlier.
EB: Now ladies, you know what time it is. Time to pour yourself a glass of wine, light some candles, cos next up it's Dara O Briain's Go 8-Bit. (points to the word "Unlikely" on the screen)
- Dara: That... that is unlikely Ed, correct.
Things a News Reporter Would Never Say
HD: Well, they said it would never happen, but after a hunt over 12 years, spanning 62 countries, the police have finally found Wally.
GD: Irma has been blowing all over the city for 2 days now. But enough about your mum, here's the weather.
JA: In the studio with us today, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump in what can only be described as a Newsround exclusive.
IG: We're yet to hear President Trump's view on the matter.
HD: Well, I have spoken to a lot people here at the SNP conference and they have all said the same thing: "Piss off back to London, you English bastard."
EB: And I'm at Buckingham Palace, where excitement is growing amid rumours that Prince Charles has absolutely lost the plot and is about to appear on the balcony bollock-naked, singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".
JA: Damn right BBC News is biased. This next story is about how I'm hot to trot and all the ladies want to do me!
GD: It's now been 4 days since Piers Morgan went missing. The police have appealed for anyone with information on his whereabouts to please, please, please keep it to themselves.
IG: And now for the news in your local area. You've got thrush!
ZL: (In an Irish accent) Hello, I'm Orla Guerin. I'd really like a hug...
HD: Here are the headlines... (points at his forehead)
JA: I'm just saying, say "spoiler alert" next time or something! Some of us want the weather to be a surprise!
ZL: And I'm reporting now from the DUP conference this year, which is surprisingly sponsored by Grindr.
IG: And we've got some intel on the killers, they're good live but their albums are patchy as fuck.
JA: Finally, we've discovered the true identity of Banksy: He is none other than The Stig.
EB: I met a woman earlier who'd lost both her home and her business in the flood, I asked her how she was coping. She told me to go fuck myself.