The following is a guide to Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions for the eleventh episode of the seventeenth series.
TA: Tom Allen
ZL: Zoe Lyons
EG: Ed Gamble
MJ: Milton Jones
HD: Hugh Dennis
GN: Geoff Norcott
Unlikely Things To Hear On Daytime TV
EG: And with just a lick of paint and by removing that horrible rug, it's almost like you've got a new wife!
GN: Today on This Morning, there's no Holly, so lads you might as well turn across to Sky Sports news.
HD: Breakfast news now. I had toast.
EB: Today we'll be shoving the foreign secretary. Welcome to Barging Hunt.
ZL: The lighting system's up, the irrigation is in place. It's time for Hash in the Attic.
HD: Next, Boris Johnson's on Lorraine and we can't get him off her.
TA: And today, there will be no Jeremy Kyle, unfortunately, because we've run out of dreadful people.
MJ: Next, it's Good Morning North West, or as it should be called, (Mancunian accent) YOU ALL RIGHT?!
TA: Join us after the break when we'll be making some street food and in fact, chef Anton is scraping something off the road night now.
HD: Middle East property prices now in Homes Under The Hamas.
GN: Next on Bargain Hunt, we've got a real relic from the 70s, very rare, this: It's a referendum result people actually respected.
HD: And now Michael Portillo with Great British Rail Replacement Bus Journeys.
EG: This is Tipping Point. Yeah, that's right: The moment Susanna Reid finally punches Piers Morgan in the face!
ZL: Hello. Welcome to Bargain Celebrity Hunt where I'm looking for bargain celebrities. I just found Jedward by the bins!
TA: Oh, thank you Piers, that was a reasonable and well thought out opinion.
Things You Never Hear In A School Assembly
EG: And to those of you who wrote Mr. Ferguson's mobile telephone number on the wall of the girls' toilet, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a five and not a three.
HD: And now, continuing our policy of religious diversity, we are going to sacrifice a goat to the great god Imhotep!
MJ: (talking like a caveman) Ofsted man, he come, he say school not good!
ZL: Now, children, I know it's very very nerve racking awaiting your results, but I've got some good news: My results are back. It's all clear, it's not chlamydia, Miss Lyons is back in the saddle!
GN: Just a heads-up for today's science exam: You will be required to create a vacuum. Yeah, no pressure, no pressure. That was for Dara. I was just trying to impress Dara.
MJ: As many of you know, this school has produced a lot of good actors. You know, parents who pretended to go to church in order to get their children into the school...
EG: I will now read the register and hopefully there are no more teachers on it.
TA: Today, of course, is the big school outing, and so I'd like to invite all the gay and lesbian children to come to the front immediately.
EG: And now a notice about school uniform: My wife will be wearing one this evening as it's my birthday.
MJ: And the caretaker has asked me to say take care.
HD: We have very strict rules on piercings: Only one kind is allowed. Jerome, show them your cock ring.
GN: Students, I would advise you to sometimes just think about other people less fortunate than you because I always find it cheers me up, know what I mean?
TA: Drinking, smoking, fighting: These are all three reasons for me to be very tired today.
EG: I'd like to apologize for those students who saw that. Miss Jones has horribly misunderstood what "Mufti Day" means.
ZL: In an attempt to move with the times, Mrs. Smith is going to lead us in a rendition of "Onward, Christian Soldiers" to the tune of Stormzy's "Big For Your Boots".
HD: As you know, I'm retiring after 40 years of teaching at this school and this week you boys have made me realise that I've absolutely fucking wasted my life.