RJ: Rhys James
LH: London Hughes
EG: Ed Gamble
MJ: Milton Jones
HD: Hugh Dennis
AB: Angela Barnes
Unlikely Things To Hear At The World Cup Edit
EG: And here comes the Irish team.
- Dara: Wow, that's hosed, sorry, that is... wow. You're getting buzzed to fuck for the rest of this... Here with the first answer is Hugh.
HD: And here come the Irish team.
MJ: (Irish accent) Hello, I'm really sorry we didn't get in this year...
HD: And up in the stand, the Uruguayan women with their chant, "Uruguay and I'm a gwirl."
AB: And Portugal have beaten Spain and Saudi Arabia have beaten a woman for wearing shorts.
LH: Jamie Vardy managed four shots in the first half, three Sambucas and a Skittles vodka.
EG: And that is a great shot from the Russian, but unfortunately, the journalist has survived.
AB: So it's Panama's first time at the tournament, but they have been doing FIFA's accounts.
EG: And Sterling has taken a dive. That's it for financial news, back to the football.
RJ: Well, it's official. England are out, and we can go back to identifying people with flags in their windows as racist.
HD: Well, let's take a look at the Swedish bench. £12.99 from Ikea.
RJ: Oh, and that is a huge tackle. That is gotta make it more difficult to rollerblade.
MJ: Great goalkeeper, David De Gea. Midfield maestro, Mesut Özil. Fast forward--- (talks and acts in a fast motion)
EG: And he's nipped round the back and nailed an absolute screamer! This really is the best leaked sex tape in the history of football!
RJ: Well, we didn't think it was possible, but somehow Gareth Southgate has managed it: England eliminated before the group stage!
HD: Well, at 2-1 down, Iran had to do something, so they brought out their secret weapon, a 14-ton Intercontinental Ballistic Missile.
LH: If you've just tuned into England vs. Germany, what are you doing, mate? Love Island is on!
HD: Well, it looks like semis for Croatia. I wish they had worn bigger shorts.
RJ: That's a shocking miss for Jesus. They are absolutely going to crucify him for that.
Things You Wouldn't Hear In A Charity Appeal Edit
AB: British Red Cross: Just three adjectives to describe the average UKIP voter.
HD: Stuck in a chair, barely able to move. Please help us get Dara walking again.
LH: Peter Andre will be with us later. He's got a new single and if our donations don't double, we'll let him perform it.
AB: For just 50p, Dara O'Briain will toss you off in Comic Hand Relief.
- Dara: 50p?! (EG: 50p? There's no way I'm playing that!) Gimme a quid at least, I'm classy!
HD: Shoplifters Anonymous: Helping people to help themselves.
EG: If you're starting a family, why not consider adoption? But hurry up. Otherwise, it'll be the ugly ones left.
MJ: With your money, I'm going to start an organ delivery service called Liveroo.
RJ: Every day, these people walk up to 15 steps to get water. With your money, we can employ waiters at Nando's.
HD: At the National Trust, for just £70 a year, you can have unlimited access to national treasures like the gardens of Stourhead and the sumptious interior of Judi Dench.
RJ: The thing with a disease like HIV is that many people are just ignorant. Most people don't realize that HIV is just Roman for "High five".
AB: Robin needs clean cold water and something nutritious to eat because last night, he got shitfaced.
LH: These people are disease-ridden. They haven't had a shower for weeks. Donate now. Save a life in Magaluf.
HD: This is the People's Dispensary For Sick Animals. This tiger has three dicks, how sick is that?!
EG: Give a man a duck and he'll feed himself for a week. Teach a man to duck and he'll avoid low-flying objects.
RJ: With your money, last year, we took this homeless man and completely transformed him into a homeless woman.
HD: And now on Comic Relief, it's time for some harrowing footage as the cast of Birds Of A Feather sing the hits from Grease.
MJ: Between you and me those rescue cats can't even swim, let alone rescue anyone.
AB: The Royal Society For The Protection Of Birds: The only charity looking after the needs of Cockney women.
MJ: For just the price of a cup of coffee, we can get little Nagubu a cup of coffee.
EG: Pale, sad, and hungry. We're raising money for the Irish football team.