AE: Ari Eldjarn
EG: Ed Gamble
ET: Ellie Taylor
JA: James Acaster
HD: Hugh Dennis
TA: Tom Allen
Things You Wouldn't Hear On A News Programme Edit
HD: Scientists say it could save the corporation millions, but the question still remains: Can the robot be taught to press the buzzer?
EG: And I've taken a photo of the suspect on a Polaroid camera as he left court. More on this story as it develops.
ET: Now in a video which some viewers may find disturbing, Jacob Rhyssmog attempts small talk with a woman.
AE: And now, British media have not mentioned the word "Brexit" in over-- oh, Christ!
JA: We should be expecting some westerly winds, and some rain coming down from the north, and I'm really enjoying stroking this horse.
HD: Well, I'm not sure he's in the right job, the diplomatic correspondent has told me to fuck off.
EG: I'm here in war torn Syria and my producer really must hate me... because I'm the weatherman!
TA: England has won the World Cup!
AE: Iceland the country has sued Iceland the supermarket and has all its assets frozen.
JA: And now the news where you are: There's a bear behind you.
TA: So let's find out what's happening in your area which can't be all that important, otherwise it would have made the main show.
HD: The poverty here is appalling, which is why I'm moving to ITV.
ET: And now it's time for the weather. Carol, is it gonna get any better or do we have to put up with another week of your absolute bullshit?
JA: Damn right this is fake news! I'm not even a news reporter! I'm your wife, stood in your living room, holding a picture frame in front of my face and making up facts about ISIS!
ET: It's six o'clock and you know what that means, it's time for frickin' news! With me, Hugh Edwards.
EG: News correspondents having sex with young comedians: Is it right? We cross now to Nick Robinson, who's inside Whitehall.
Unlikely Lines From A Children's Book Edit
EG: Here, Mr. Tickle. You think those arms are big? Just wait 'til you see Hugh's dick!
JA: "Oh, Grandma, what big ears you have," said Red Riding Hood. "Fuck off," said Grandma.
HD: "You know what?" said the Big Friendly Giant. "I've just been fired from Mock The Week."
EG: "How do I get my hair like this?" said Tintin. "Well, have you seen There's Something About Mary?"
AE: After dropping the breadcrumbs, Hansel and Gretel dropped acid to find their way back to Glastonbury.
HD: And then he ate six plates of goulash, five plates of red cabbage and a pie from Budapest. He was a very Hungarian caterpillar.
ET: Piss off, Malfoy, you little Nazi insul weirdo!
TA: "Where's Thomas?" said the passenger. "Well, he's delayed," said the Fat Controller. "What do you mean?" said the passenger. I'm not gonna explain it. That's real life. Get used to it, you little prick.
EG: "One of you," said Toad, "is a mole for the Russian government. It's either Ratty, Badger, Moley, or Elaina Siminoff."
HD: "Look," said Harry. "Vitgenshien's having a spliff. The philosopher's stoned!"
ET: And then Paddington told the lady to brace herself before flipping her over and opening a fresh jar of marmalade.
JA: Uh, guys, my dog literally just died. Can we not already happily refer to ourself as the Famous Four?
HD: "Miss Chatterbox just couldn't stop talking. And that's why we had to kill her," said Mr. Mafia.
EG: "Just tell him it stands for Big Friendly Giant," said Sophie. "He'll be mad and his heart will be broken if learns it means Bollock Faced Granddad."
AE: In the end, all the children died.
JA: (slapping his hips in rhythm) We're going on a bear hunt... I've already shot Paddington and turn Winnie The Pooh into a fucking rug! We're not scared...