The following is a list of Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions for the fifth episode of the seventeenth series.
TI: Tez Illyas
KG: Kerry Godliman
EB: Ed Byrne
TA: Tom Allen
HD: Hugh Dennis
JA: James Acaster
Things You Wouldn't Hear on a Property Programme
HD: So, it's a two up, two down. That's unusual, but those are the testicles I was born with.
TA: Welcome to the show; we'll be looking at houses that have been designed by someone's nan. Yes, it's Gran Designs.
TI: Of course, finding something in London on your budget was very, very difficult, so this property does come with a bit of a commute. Welcome to Stoke.
EB: All property is theft! Good night.
JA: Bit mean, but we've put together a montage of first-time buyers being told about stamp duty for the first time.
KG: I begged Gary for an extension. He went and got a conservatory, I actually meant a penis enlargement.
JA: This week, Burt has bought a yurt, and that sentence alone makes this the most fun show we've ever done.
KG: Hi, I'm Kirstie Allsopp and this week I'll be patronizing more millennials. You can't have dreams and a second bedroom, wake up!
HD: Well, this used to be a railway station but there haven't been any trains here for nearly 40 years. It's Haywards Heath on Southern Railway.
EB: And Simon has converted this railway carriage into his very own office just by yelling into his mobile phone like an arsehole.
JA: This house was built on an ancient burial ground, which is why the episode has been hosted by me, the ghost of a hunchback Victorian boy trying to explain fixed-rate mortgages.
TA: Now this next property is about £50,000 over Philip and Susan's budget. Luckily though, Philip's grandmother has just died!
TI: Loads of notorious people live on these here branches: Piers Morgan, Katie Hopkins, Donald Trump. Sa... what, Escape to the Country? No, this is Escape to the...
HD: So, if you want to bright up your kitchen, turn the light on.
JA: Susan turned her two-bedroom house into a ten-bedroom house! By putting a bed in every room!
EB: I'm Danny Dyer, welcome to Let's Do This Gaff Up!
HD: Well, there you go. Immediately you can see how much roomier it looks without the old lady and the oxygen cylinders.
Unlikely Dating Profiles
HD: Do you want a man who is comfortable to say the word "love"? Call me, I'm a Wimbledon umpire.
KG: Hey, do you like it when two bodies come together and fall into great ecstasy? Me too. Let's find someone watching from the bushes.
TI: Once you go Asian, you'll never go Caucasian. True story.
JA: I like long walks on the beach, a pebble beach, barefoot. I love pain. I LOVE PAIN!
EB: Vegan woman in her 30s seeks vegan man for fun, companionship, and joyless dinners out.
JA: And would it impress you to know that I typed out this entire profile using my dick?
KG: Lady, aged 50, never married, loves books, gardening, knitting and long walks, seeks a gentleman who is kind and likes similar things. Must be hung like a hoover.
HD: Sensible man with Bingley Building Society Gold Account at 1.85% seeks woman with similar interests.
TA: Hello, I'm looking for a bloke called Dave, he's been hanging out in Nice, apparently got his trotters up.
EB: Man in his 40's owner of foldy-uppy bike, looking for any woman who's interested in me demonstrating my foldy-uppy bike. Look, it folds up!
HD: Ambitous man with no sense of work-life balance seeks woman... I haven't got time for this.
JA: You could say I'm a bit old-fashioned, in that I'm a phenomenal bigot.
HD: Man with huge belly seeks concave woman.
KG: Female, early 60's, high achiever, snappy-dressing leader of the Conservative Party, very horny, has the potential to fuck the whole country.