TA- Tom Allen
DF- Deborah Frances-White
EB- Ed Byrne
RJ- Rhys James
HD- Hugh Dennis
MJ- Milton Jones
Things You Wouldn't Hear On The RadioEdit
MJ: (waves, then give a thumbs up)
HD: (in a Russian accent) This is Radio Novichok. Don't touch that dial.
RJ: Give yourself a spray of Lynx Africa, open up a can of Relentless, sit back in your cargo shorts and relax, this is Virgin Radio.
EB: And with the time now at 3 A.M., it's probably time to just stare into space and think about where it all went wrong, and maybe have a bit of a cry.
RJ: Yes, yes, yes, coming up we have got some of the sickest tracks from some of the ill-est artists around. This is karaoke on hospital radio.
HD: Well, today on The Archers, Daisy gets a bolt from the blue when she unexpectedly wanders into an abattoir.
DF: Vikings, dogger, Forties, white-- Oh, sorry, that's not the shipping forecast, that's my Tinder date's bio.
RJ: At number 2, that was Ed Sheeran with "Galway Girl". And now at number 1 for the 50th week in a row, Ed Sheeran with "Galway Girl".
MJ: And now the long-range forecast. (runs to the back of the stage) It's going to be quite windy!
TA: We welcome you to Radio 3. That's right, just, just you.
EB: And now it's time for Thought of the Day... nope it's gone.
HD: (West Country accent) Well, this is Gardeners' Question Time, and a big welcome especially to our younger viewers like 92-year-old Enid from Surrey.
DF: And next on Radio 4, it's Woman’s Hour. And after that, 23 Men's hours.
HD: Must...have...coffee! That was First Thought of the Day.
RJ: On Jazz FM, it's a new entry at number 1, it's skib-bi-di-bab-bab-bibbity-bab-beem--- sorry, I was having a stroke, it's Ed Sheeran, "Galway Girl".
EB: Boris Johnson is joining us on the couch this morning. He's not a guest, it's just that's where he slept last night.
MJ: The shipping forecast: There will be shipping.
RJ: And we interrupt this broadcast to bring you the tragic news that Aretha Franklin has sadly passed away. And what better way to show our respect to Ms. Franklin than with "Galway Girl" by Ed Sheeran.
Lines You Wouldn't Read In A Romantic Novel Edit
HD: She was bewitching. She danced as though possessed by the elements, a creature created by the rhythms of nature itself. "More Mrs. May, more!"
MJ: "Toby, I'm not feeling well," said Amber. Embarrassed, she turned red, then green.
RJ: As he climaxed inside her, John knew he would never be allowed to visit the Statue of Liberty again.
TA: She looked on expectantly as he undid his zip and slowly removed his anorak.
DF: She looked into his deep eyes and said "You're the most attractive man I've ever seen. Oh no, wait, hold on, I'm just ovulating."
MJ: How to Please a Lady, Chapter 1. Wet her spoons (chuckles). Sorry, Weatherspoons.
RJ: After 5 unrelenting hours, James really began to regret making his safe word "harder".
EB: She gazed around her. There were shelves containing whips, blindfolds, chain, and she thought, "Lidl really do sell everything."
HD: The role play has gone wrong again. "My bad," he said, "I thought you said Mr. Arsey".
RJ: As he looked at her lower back tattoos of two little birds, one word came to mind: "swallows".
HD: Instead of the passionate kiss he was expecting, she just gave him a peck on the cheek. "Ah," he thought, "the chicken is playing hard to get."
TA: Reader, I shagged him!
EB: His tender words still echoed around the dappled glade as he climbed aboard and (makes a thrusting motion) EH EH!
TA: Do you come here often? Yes, I come here every week to get tested.
RJ: "I know I'm supposed to get over you," he said, "but it's too difficult. I'm constantly reminded of you every time I look at the nutritional info on a packet of food and I see 'Fat Trace'."