Changes: Scenes We'd Like To See: Series 17, Episode 9

Revision as of 20:30, 18 December 2019

The following is a list of Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions for the ninth episode of the seventeenth series.

Key

RP - Rachel Parris

NK - Nish Kumar

KG - Kerry Godliman

EB - Ed Byrne

EG - Ed Gamble

HD - Hugh Dennis

Topics

Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie

HD - I am Thor, and next year, I will be five.

EB - I've got you now, Catwoman, your days of sitting on laptops and licking your own hole are over!

EG - Why am I green? Well, I'm made of kale, I am the Inedible Hulk!

RP - Ah, Superman, we meet at least... I can literally see your pants.

HD - Don't you call me a wanker, you're a wanker yourself! That's right, I am White-Van Man!

NK - (hoarse) I'm Batman, nice... (coughs) (normal) I'm Batman, nice to meet you!

EG - Yes, Peter, I know you're Spider-Man, but that definitely isn't "web" all over your laptop screen!

KG - Right, I'm Captain Marvel, and you're Captain America. One of us is gonna have to tell Captain Birds-Eye he's not in this gang! This whole place stinks of fish!

RP - Is it a bird? Is it a plane? This pilot's exam is harder than I was expecting.

EG - I have collected all the Infinity Stones, and I believe that means I'm entitled to a free coffee.

HD - It's the Fantastic Four-- oh no, it was stopped on the boundary, just a single.

RP - A full-body titanium suit with armoured plating? No thank you, I'll stick to the small metal bikini!

EG - Hi, Spider-Man, ya; no, no, no, I've got an STI, so when you say you were "swinging around New York", what exactly did you mean?

EB - Commissioner, you sent for me? Yes, Human Torch, I need to find something in the shed.

NK - I prescribe 50 milligrams of cheese and 60cc of cat hair! Benedict Cumberbatch is Doctor Strange.

KG - They call me Catwoman because I've got fur all over me and I stink of Whiskas and cat piss.

HD - Batman, come quickly! A Thai football team is stuck in the Batcave!

NK - (as the Joker) Why so serious?! Oh right, because I'm a scary clown with weird makeup and I'm holding a knife! Fair enough.

EB - I, Thor... I thaw a puttytat.

Unlikely agony aunt letters

RP - Dear Deirdre, I heard there is a way to get red wine out of carpets. Please tell me, because I really want some red wine!

KG - My boyfriend says I'm obsessed with quizzes. Shall I, A: leave him, B: seek help, C: CARRY ON WITH MY OBSESSION?

EB - Dear Deirdre, I have an irrational fear of agony aunts. Please don't respond.

EG - Dear Deirdre, I don't get allow with my partner's children. Uh, they're my children as well but I don't admit to that because they're absolute dicks!

HD - I am a man in his 50's struggling with his work-life balance. Should I... sorry, got to go.

EB - Help, I'm in love with my wife's mother's daughter--- oh no, wait, that's my wife, it's ok, it's fine.

HD - (laddish voice) All that emotional stuff, is that agony? I once caught my bollocks in a lift door.

KG - Dear Deirdre, I can't help putting my bike in other ladies' racks. Lovely Boris.

EG - Dear Deirdre, last week I had a car accident and now my girlfriend isn't speaking to me, and she cries all the time and now I feel really cold-- OH SHIT, I'M A GHOST!

HD - Dear Deirdre, I am embarrassed by the amount of noise my wife makes during lovemaking. To be fair, she doesn't know I'm still in the house.

EG - My girlfriend says I give up on things too easily. Oh well.

KG - Since my children left to go to university, my life feels so meaningful and rich. How do I tell them I won't want them to come home for Christmas?

EG - Dear Deirdre, my wife says I'm a fantasist and a compulsive liar. Well, she's one to talk. She doesn't even exist!

HD - I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman. It happened last night and neither of us dared call an ambulance.

RP - (Russian accent) Dear Deirdre, I am very into steeples.

EB - Dear Deirdre, my girlfriend reckons I should try and set a world record for masturbation. Do you think I can pull it off? (pulls a pose as the audience cheers)

RP - Dear Deirdre, in the daytime, I come across as a really smart, cheerful guy whom everyone loves. But in secret, I am definitely a psychopath. Yours, Nish Kumar.

NK - Dear Deirdre, my wife says that I'm a serial philanderer and a sex addict. So I guess my question is, "What are you doing tonight?"

KG - I just got my first period. Should I be worried? Dave, 32.

@@ Line 19: / Line 19: @@
 ==Topics==
-==='''Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie'''===
+===Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie===
-'''HD - '''I am Thor, and next year, I will be five!
+'''HD - '''I am Thor, and next year, I will be five.
 '''EB '''- I've got you now, Catwoman, your days of sitting on laptops and licking your own hole are over!
-'''EG '''- Why am I green? Well, I'm made of kale! I am the Inedible Hulk!
+'''EG '''- Why am I green? Well, I'm made of kale, I am the Inedible Hulk!
 '''RP - '''Ah, Superman, we meet at least... I can literally see your pants.
-'''HD - '''Don't you call me a wanker, you're a wanker yourself! That's right. I am White-Van Man!
+'''HD - '''Don't you call me a wanker, you're a wanker yourself! That's right, I am White-Van Man!
 '''NK - '''(''hoarse'') I'm Batman, nice... (''coughs'') (''normal'') I'm Batman, nice to meet you!
-'''EG '''- Yes, Peter, I know you're Spider-Man, but that definitely isn't 'web' all over your laptop screen!
+'''EG '''- Yes, Peter, I know you're Spider-Man, but that definitely isn't "web" all over your laptop screen!
 '''KG '''- Right, I'm Captain Marvel, and you're Captain America. One of us is gonna have to tell Captain Birds-Eye he's not in this gang! This whole place stinks of fish!
@@ Line 38: / Line 38: @@
 '''RP - '''Is it a bird? Is it a plane? This pilot's exam is harder than I was expecting.
-'''EG - '''(''as Thanos'') I have collected all the Infinity Stones, and I believe that means I'm entitled to a free coffee.
+'''EG - '''I have collected all the Infinity Stones, and I believe that means I'm entitled to a free coffee.
-'''HD - '''It's the Fantastic Four; oh no, it was stopped on the boundary, just a single!
+'''HD - '''It's the Fantastic Four-- oh no, it was stopped on the boundary, just a single.
 '''RP - '''A full-body titanium suit with armoured plating? No thank you, I'll stick to the small metal bikini!
-'''EG '''- Hi, Spider-Man, ya; no, no, no, I've got an STI, so when you say you were 'swinging around New York' what exactly did you mean?
+'''EG '''- Hi, Spider-Man, ya; no, no, no, I've got an STI, so when you say you were "swinging around New York", what exactly did you mean?
-'''EB - '''Commissioner, you sent for me. Yes, Human Torch, I need to find something in the shed.
+'''EB - '''Commissioner, you sent for me? Yes, Human Torch, I need to find something in the shed.
 '''NK '''- I prescribe 50 milligrams of cheese and 60cc of cat hair! Benedict Cumberbatch is ''Doctor Strange''.
@@ Line 56: / Line 56: @@
 '''NK - '''(''as the Joker'') Why so serious?! Oh right, because I'm a scary clown with weird makeup and I'm holding a knife! Fair enough.
-'''EB '''- I, Thor, I thawr a puttytat.
+'''EB '''- I, Thor... I thaw a puttytat.
+===Unlikely agony aunt letters===
-==='''Unlikey agony aunt letters'''===
 '''RP - '''Dear Deirdre, I heard there is a way to get red wine out of carpets. Please tell me, because I really want some red wine!
-'''KG - '''My boyfriend says I'm obsessed with quizzes. Shall I, A, leave him; B, seek help; C, CARRY ON WITH MY OBSESSION?
+'''KG - '''My boyfriend says I'm obsessed with quizzes. Shall I, A: leave him, B: seek help, C: CARRY ON WITH MY OBSESSION?
 '''EB '''- Dear Deirdre, I have an irrational fear of agony aunts. Please don't respond.
@@ Line 69: / Line 67: @@
 '''EG - '''Dear Deirdre, I don't get allow with my partner's children. Uh, they're my children as well but I don't admit to that because they're absolute dicks!
-'''HD - '''I am a man in his 50's struggling with his work-life balance. Should I...sorry, got to go.
+'''HD - '''I am a man in his 50's struggling with his work-life balance. Should I... sorry, got to go.
-'''EB - '''Help, I'm in love with my wife's mother's daughter - oh no, wait, that's my wife. It's ok. It's fine.
+'''EB - '''Help, I'm in love with my wife's mother's daughter--- oh no, wait, that's my wife, it's ok, it's fine.
 '''HD''' - (''laddish voice'') All that emotional stuff, is that agony? I once caught my bollocks in a lift door.
@@ Line 77: / Line 75: @@
 '''KG''' - Dear Deirdre, I can't help putting my bike in other ladies' racks. Lovely Boris.
-'''EG - '''Dear Deirdre, last week I had a car accident and now my girlfriend isn't speaking to me, and she cries all the time and now I feel really cold - OH SHIT, I'M A GHOST!!
+'''EG - '''Dear Deirdre, last week I had a car accident and now my girlfriend isn't speaking to me, and she cries all the time and now I feel really cold-- OH SHIT, I'M A GHOST!
-'''HD - '''Dear Deirdre, I am embarassed by the amount of noise my wife makes during lovemaking. To be fair, she doesn't know I'm still in the house.
+'''HD - '''Dear Deirdre, I am embarrassed by the amount of noise my wife makes during lovemaking. To be fair, she doesn't know I'm still in the house.
 '''EG '''- My girlfriend says I give up on things too easily. Oh well.
@@ Line 85: / Line 83: @@
 '''KG '''- Since my children left to go to university, my life feels so meaningful and rich. How do I tell them I won't want them to come home for Christmas?
-'''EG - '''Dear Deirdre, my wife says I'm a fantasist and a compulsive liar. Well, she's one to talk - she doesn't even exist!
+'''EG - '''Dear Deirdre, my wife says I'm a fantasist and a compulsive liar. Well, she's one to talk. She doesn't even exist!
 '''HD - '''I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman. It happened last night and neither of us dared call an ambulance.
@@ Line 91: / Line 89: @@
 '''RP '''- (''Russian accent'') Dear Deirdre, I am very into steeples.
-'''EB - '''Dear Deirdre, my girlfriend reckons I should try and set a world record for mastrubation. Do you think I can pull it off? (''pulls a pose as the audience cheers'')
+'''EB - '''Dear Deirdre, my girlfriend reckons I should try and set a world record for masturbation. Do you think I can pull it off? (''pulls a pose as the audience cheers'')
 '''RP - '''Dear Deirdre, in the daytime, I come across as a really smart, cheerful guy whom everyone loves. But in secret, I am definitely a psychopath. Yours, Nish Kumar.
-'''NK '''- Dear Deirdre, my wife says that I'm a serial philanderer and a sex addict. So I guess my question is, what are you doing tonight?
+'''NK '''- Dear Deirdre, my wife says that I'm a serial philanderer and a sex addict. So I guess my question is, "What are you doing tonight?"
 '''KG '''- I just got my first period. Should I be worried? Dave, 32.