The following is a list of Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions for the tenth episode of the eighteenth series.
EB: Ed Byrne
KG: Kerri Godliman
CW: Chris Washington
MJ: Milton Jones
HD: Hugh Dennis
AB: Angela Barnes
Unlikely Things To Hear At The Royal Variety Show
MJ: (in a Scottish accent) Hello, I'm Frankie Boyle!
HD: Our next act, Mr. Memory, couldn't be with us, he's in the Pizza Express in Woking.
KG: They asked me not to make any Prince Andrew jokes tonight and I said "Sure, no sweat."
EB: And for her next trick, the queen will make Prince Andrew's birthday disappear!
AB: At this point in the evening, I'd just like to ask the members of the royal family to put their rifles away as I welcome to the stage the cast of The Lion King!
CW: At 93 years old, I think we all agree it's good to see her out of the house at this time of the year. Give it up for Madonna!
AB: Welcome Ginger, Baby, Sporty, Posh, and the other one. Yes, it's the Royal Family!
KG: Unfortunately, Prince Andrew is running late 'cause he's stuck in trafficking.
HD: Well, we're now gonna end this evening of royal entertainment in this magnificent theatre in the traditional way: A fly-through from the Red Arrows.
MJ: It's now my privilege to introduce the rock band R.E.M. I've got a photograph of me with them years ago. (mimes holding up a picture) That's me in the corner.
HD: This next act needs no introduction. (walks back)
EB: Yes, she bends, she twists, she contorts herself, but the queen cannot get out of her obligation to attend this shitshow.
MJ: And your card is what? The four of clubs? (holds up a piece of paper with the number 4 on it)
HD: I think you're going to enjoy this, Your Majesty. Our next act is a dog act. He uses corgis because they're exactly the right shape to fit in the cannon.
CW: Welcome to the stage Britain's premier OAP breakdancing group, Hip Op!
KG: No, Liz, why don't you shut the fuck up?
Unlikely Things To Hear At A Wedding Or Funeral
MJ: It was always Alan's dream to be buried with his wife. So this afternoon, we shot her.
CW: All the tables are named after mine and my wife's favourite films. I know it's quite crowded over there on The Human Centipede, but if you all squeeze in together, you'll be fine.
KG: Ooh, thank you, no, I've had more than enough free Prosecco.
AB: Yes, I know it's traditional for the bride to have something blue, I just don't think you should have dug up Grandma.
HD: Just because he was morbidly obese doesn't mean he can't be buried with dignity. Gary, get the forklift!
EB: In life, he was a strong, confident, and capable man, excelled at everything he did apart from swimming, obviously.
AB: At least George died doing what he loved: heroin.
MJ: I know it's customary as father of the bride to give my daughter away, but I'd like to try something different. (rambles bids like he's an auctioneer)
CW: And if you look on the back of today's order of service, you'll see a picture of Ethel when she was much younger. I think we'll all agree it's one for the wank bank.
KG: Today is not a sad day, it's a celebration because after all Trevor was a prick!
AB: Bride's side or groom's side? I don't know, I fucked them both.
MJ: Why she drove onto oncoming traffic, we'll never know. Perhaps Vera by name...
HD: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, never WhatsApp while walking, he got hit by a bus.
KG: We choreographed our own first dance because we are arseholes.
EB: You know it's just this funny. No, I just realised it, it's just cause... I've never actually met a Scottish widow, you know it's like...
MJ: Sadly today, we all know exactly where Wally is.
EB: And I'd like to congratulate the bride's mother on how excellent she looks tonight, although not as well as she'd look ON MY DICK!
HD: My goodness. My goodness, yes, that is a lovely ring. Now pop your trousers back on.
EB: Does anyone else find there's a seriously inconsistent tone at this wedding or funeral?
HD: Raymond was a man of many parts. None of them worked, that's why he's dead.