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(Unlikely Things To Hear At A Wedding Or Funeral)
 
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'''KG:''' Unfortunately, Prince Andrew is running late 'cause he's stuck in trafficking.
 
'''KG:''' Unfortunately, Prince Andrew is running late 'cause he's stuck in trafficking.
   
'''HD:''' Well, we're now gonna end this evening of royal entertainment in this magnificent theater in the traditional way: A flythrough from the Red Arrows.
+
'''HD:''' Well, we're now gonna end this evening of royal entertainment in this magnificent theatre in the traditional way: A fly-through from the Red Arrows.
   
 
'''MJ:''' It's now my privilege to introduce the rock band R.E.M. I've got a photograph of me with them years ago. ''(mimes holding up a picture)'' That's me in the corner.
 
'''MJ:''' It's now my privilege to introduce the rock band R.E.M. I've got a photograph of me with them years ago. ''(mimes holding up a picture)'' That's me in the corner.
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'''MJ:''' It was always Alan's dream to be buried with his wife. So this afternoon, we shot her.
 
'''MJ:''' It was always Alan's dream to be buried with his wife. So this afternoon, we shot her.
   
'''CW:''' All the tables are named after mine and my wife's favorite films. I know it's quite crowded over there on ''The Human Centipede'', but if you all squeeze in together, you'll be fine.
+
'''CW:''' All the tables are named after mine and my wife's favourite films. I know it's quite crowded over there on ''The Human Centipede'', but if you all squeeze in together, you'll be fine.
   
'''KG:''' Ooh, thank you, no, I've had more than enough free Preseco.
+
'''KG:''' Ooh, thank you, no, I've had more than enough free Prosecco.
   
 
'''AB:''' Yes, I know it's traditional for the bride to have something blue, I just don't think you should have dug up Grandma.
 
'''AB:''' Yes, I know it's traditional for the bride to have something blue, I just don't think you should have dug up Grandma.
   
'''HD:''' Just because he was obese doesn't mean he can be buried with dignity. Gary, get the forklift!
+
'''HD:''' Just because he was morbidly obese doesn't mean he can't be buried with dignity. Gary, get the forklift!
   
 
'''EB:''' In life, he was a strong, confident, and capable man, excelled at everything he did apart from swimming, obviously.
 
'''EB:''' In life, he was a strong, confident, and capable man, excelled at everything he did apart from swimming, obviously.
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'''MJ:''' Why she drove onto oncoming traffic, we'll never know. Perhaps Vera by name...
 
'''MJ:''' Why she drove onto oncoming traffic, we'll never know. Perhaps Vera by name...
   
'''HD:''' Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, never Whatsapp while walking, he got hit by a bus.
+
'''HD:''' Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, never WhatsApp while walking, he got hit by a bus.
   
'''KG:''' We choreographed our first dance because we are assholes.
+
'''KG:''' We choreographed our own first dance because we are arseholes.
   
'''EB:''' You know it's just this funny. No, I just realized it, it's just cause... I've never actually met a Scottish widow, you know it's like...
+
'''EB:''' You know it's just this funny. No, I just realised it, it's just cause... I've never actually met a Scottish widow, you know it's like...
   
 
'''MJ:''' Sadly today, we all know exactly where Wally is.
 
'''MJ:''' Sadly today, we all know exactly where Wally is.

Latest revision as of 20:41, March 2, 2020

Scenes We'd Like To See
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Series 1
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Series 2
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Series 3
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Series 4
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Series 5
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Series 6
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Series 7
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Series 8
1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5
2010 Sport Relief Special
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Series 9
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Series 10
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Christmas Special
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Series 11
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Series 12
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Compilation Episode
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Series 13
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Compilation Episode
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Series 14
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Series 15
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Christmas Special
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Series 16
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Series 17
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Christmas Special
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Series 18
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Templates
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The following is a list of Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions for the tenth episode of the eighteenth series.

Key Edit

EB: Ed Byrne

KG: Kerri Godliman

CW: Chris Washington

MJ: Milton Jones

HD: Hugh Dennis

AB: Angela Barnes

Topics Edit

Unlikely Things To Hear At The Royal Variety Show Edit

MJ: (in a Scottish accent) Hello, I'm Frankie Boyle!

HD: Our next act, Mr. Memory, couldn't be with us, he's in the Pizza Express in Woking.

KG: They asked me not to make any Prince Andrew jokes tonight and I said "Sure, no sweat."

EB: And for her next trick, the queen will make Prince Andrew's birthday disappear!

AB: At this point in the evening, I'd just like to ask the members of the royal family to put their rifles away as I welcome to the stage the cast of The Lion King!

CW: At 93 years old, I think we all agree it's good to see her out of the house at this time of the year. Give it up for Madonna!

AB: Welcome Ginger, Baby, Sporty, Posh, and the other one. Yes, it's the Royal Family!

KG: Unfortunately, Prince Andrew is running late 'cause he's stuck in trafficking.

HD: Well, we're now gonna end this evening of royal entertainment in this magnificent theatre in the traditional way: A fly-through from the Red Arrows.

MJ: It's now my privilege to introduce the rock band R.E.M. I've got a photograph of me with them years ago. (mimes holding up a picture) That's me in the corner.

HD: This next act needs no introduction. (walks back)

EB: Yes, she bends, she twists, she contorts herself, but the queen cannot get out of her obligation to attend this shitshow.

MJ: And your card is what? The four of clubs? (holds up a piece of paper with the number 4 on it)

HD: I think you're going to enjoy this, Your Majesty. Our next act is a dog act. He uses corgis because they're exactly the right shape to fit in the cannon.

CW: Welcome to the stage Britain's premier OAP breakdancing group, Hip Op!

KG: No, Liz, why don't you shut the fuck up?

Unlikely Things To Hear At A Wedding Or Funeral Edit

MJ: It was always Alan's dream to be buried with his wife. So this afternoon, we shot her.

CW: All the tables are named after mine and my wife's favourite films. I know it's quite crowded over there on The Human Centipede, but if you all squeeze in together, you'll be fine.

KG: Ooh, thank you, no, I've had more than enough free Prosecco.

AB: Yes, I know it's traditional for the bride to have something blue, I just don't think you should have dug up Grandma.

HD: Just because he was morbidly obese doesn't mean he can't be buried with dignity. Gary, get the forklift!

EB: In life, he was a strong, confident, and capable man, excelled at everything he did apart from swimming, obviously.

AB: At least George died doing what he loved: heroin.

MJ: I know it's customary as father of the bride to give my daughter away, but I'd like to try something different. (rambles bids like he's an auctioneer)

CW: And if you look on the back of today's order of service, you'll see a picture of Ethel when she was much younger. I think we'll all agree it's one for the wank bank.

KG: Today is not a sad day, it's a celebration because after all Trevor was a prick!

AB: Bride's side or groom's side? I don't know, I fucked them both.

MJ: Why she drove onto oncoming traffic, we'll never know. Perhaps Vera by name...

HD: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, never WhatsApp while walking, he got hit by a bus.

KG: We choreographed our own first dance because we are arseholes.

EB: You know it's just this funny. No, I just realised it, it's just cause... I've never actually met a Scottish widow, you know it's like...

MJ: Sadly today, we all know exactly where Wally is.

EB: And I'd like to congratulate the bride's mother on how excellent she looks tonight, although not as well as she'd look ON MY DICK!

HD: My goodness. My goodness, yes, that is a lovely ring. Now pop your trousers back on.

EB: Does anyone else find there's a seriously inconsistent tone at this wedding or funeral?

HD: Romend was a man of many parts. None of them worked, that's why he's dead.

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