RJ: Rhys James
ET: Elie Taylor
EB: Ed Byrne
NK: Nish Kumar
HD: Hugh Dennis
AB: Angela Barnes
Unlikely Lines From A Thriller Edit
EB: "We've got the girl! You can have her if you give us the money!" "Okay, but this is the rudest dating agency I've ever used."
HD: (as if he's on the phone) The missiles are heading for us, Prime Minister. We need a decision now. Thank you. (mimes hanging up) He's putting it to the party conference in October.
RJ: Welcome to my haunted mansion. If these walls could talk, I almost certainly would've masturbated less.
ET: The shark from Jaws has spawned! It's Baby Shark, dodododododo!
EB: Hand me that gun and that magazine. There's a really good article in it on how to use this gun.
AB: So I got a message from the kidnappers. They said that if I hand over aunt Esther, they'll give us back the children. Yes, it's an Esther ransom!
EB: "Agent Jones, I need you to form as closely as you can, I'll be right behind you." "Yeah, I know how a conga line works."
HD: (raising arm) Yeah, it's still there. Yep, I wish I'd never been to that perfume counter.
ET: I don't care who you are, I will find you and then kill you or someone of a similar racial profile.
EB: "I have a shot. I have a shot, do I have permission to fire? I have the shot." "No. For the last time, our job is to protect President Trump!"
HD: A new name and a new identity? No. I'm afraid that's not possible, Mrs. May.
NK: I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. Oh, he's refused it. Then I'll make the offer again and again then everyone's gonna make me quit. Teresa May in The Godfather.
RJ: I'm afraid I'm gonna ask you to hand in your badge. A Blue Peter presenter cannot be caught wanking in the garden.
HD: No, this bag stays with me at all times. It contains items that are very special to me: My testicles.
AB: My ass is on the line here. Would you like me to take it down so you can hang the washing up?
RJ: Just when I thought the case couldn't get any worse... it didn't.
EB: Give me a name! (throws a punch) Give me a name! The christening is in an hour!
RJ: You talking to me? Are you talking to me? I'm sorry, Ramesh, you've got a lazy eye and it's quite hard to tell who you...
Unlikely Things To Hear At An Award Show Edit
HD: (in a German accent) Well, ironically, ze winner of ze best German sausage... is ze vurst.
ET: And here's a tribute to those we haven't lost yet, but I really hope they do.
EB: And the award for Clearest Example That TV Commissioners Have Run Out Of Ideas goes to Comedy Central for Dara O Briain's Blockbusters. (Dara: Those kids deserve to be on the telly as much as anyone!)
HD: (in a New York accent) Welcome to the Tonys. If you're not called Tony, fuck off.
NK: And the winner of Freestyle Rapper of the Year is Nish Kumar. (rapping) Oh, uh, my name is Nish and I'm here-- I should have written it down--
RJ: Welcome to the National Car Key Awards, but first let's take a look at some of the keys we have lost this year.
EB: And the award for Most Drawn Out Pause At An Award Ceremony goes to... (pretends he's pausing before opening the envelope)
HD: And now we come on to the Balloon D'Or, the most coveted award here at this year's national balloon award.
RJ: And now, Sat Nav of the Year, and I can honestly say without this Sat Nav, I would not be where I am today.
NK: And now we move to the In Memoriam section of the evening, or as it's now to be known, the ones who didn't turn out to be pedos.
EB: (acts like's pausing again)
AB: And the Duke of Edinburgh award for driving this year goes to Ant McPartlin!
HD: The Uber driver of the year will be here in four minutes.
EJ: And there we have it, the winner of Saudi Thief of the Year. Please, give him a hand.
EB: (finally pretends open to the envelope) IT'S ME!
ET: Wow, I'll tell you, this statue's going right up my husband when I get home! A bet's a bet, darling!
AB: And the winner of the origami award goes to... (mimes unfolding something, then just throwing it away)
HD: Well, I don't mind telling you I have got a lump in my throat. This is the Medical Misdiagnosis Award.