The following is a guide to Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions for the fourth episode of the eighteenth series.
EG: Ed Gamble
KG: Kerry Godliman
GM: Glenn Moore
MJ: Milton Jones
HD: Hugh Dennis
RP: Rachel Parris
Unlikely Things For A Sports Commentator To Say Edit
EG: Wimbledon, day three. Still not seen one fucking Womble.
KG: Pass. Pass. Pass. Another pass. Sorry, I'm on Tinder.
GM: Welcome to coverage of the first ever Willy Wonka Olympics, officiated by the umpire, the lumpire, and the dumpity dumpire.
EG: Oh, and that is some excellent curling. I have never seen a dog take a shit like that before.
HD: AND THAT WAS NINE POINT SIX SECONDS! (crying) Sorry, darling.
MJ: There is Hamilton! Hamilton is driving at 180 miles an hour! This is not the musical I expected!
GM: Welcome to the Tour de France, presented by Francis de la Tourdefrance.
HD: And now it is just Mo Farah against the clock which, doesn't seem fair! It doesn't even have legs, it is just a clock!
KG: And he's gone down in the box. Fair enough, it is her birthday.
GM: Well, after arriving at the wrong nation, England believe they have now arrived at the correct one. They think it's Moldova, it is now.
RP: (in a bored tone) And welcome to our fifth day at The Oval today. Don't it go on?
EG: And that is a clean entry, very little splashing, and a flick at the end. This really is the most impressive urine sample I have ever witnessed.
MJ: Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
HD: Oh ho, the parachute has failed to open at 300 meters and you can't make mistakes like that at this level.
EG: This is the campest Grand National I have ever seen! Oh, sorry, it's the dressage.
RP: Has that crossed the line? She's calling HR, so I think it did.
HD: Oh, and he's scored! What a weekend Michael Gove is going to have!
Unlikely Lines From A Romantic Novel Edit
HD: "I know I promised you fellatio for your birthday," she said, "but they didn't have any, so I got vermicelli."
KG: "Ever since our night of passion, I've burned for you," she said. "Desire?" he asked. "No, cestitis," she said.
MJ: "Turn off the lights," she said. "What about all the boats?" said the lighthouse keeper.
GM: "I'm not the most sexually minded man," George told her, "and I know that the average man supposedly thinks about sex every dick suckings-- six seconds."
HD: "Be mine." Had she heard right? "No," he said. "B minus. This essay is shit."
EG: Anastasia Steele stood in front of Christian Grey dressed as a mummy. "I'm sorry," she said. "I thought you were into bandage."
RP: She'd never forget his first words to her: "Cheer up, love. Might never 'appen."
KG: He gasped as her hair cascaded down. Well, it was February. Who waxes in winter?
MJ: "Carry me upstairs," she said. "I'd rather not," said the lighthouse keeper.
GM: Simon sidled across the nightclub floor and used the one chat-up line he knew always worked: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven-- LUCIFER?!"
KG: He was literally perfect in every way, as far as she could tell from the dick pic.
EG: He took off her top and did what makes all the girls go crazy. HONK HONK! BLBLBLBLBLB!
RP: "I wish I knew how to quit you," said Michael, honking another line of cocaine.
MJ: "Our relationship is on the rocks." (pause for laughter) "That's inevitable," said the lighthouse keeper.
KG: She felt the stranger's hands slide round from behind and gently cup her breasts. SHE'S A DOUBLE 38G, BARBARA! WE GONNA NEED THE MEGA CUPS!
HD: "I am with child," she said. "Yeah, but you're not actually a child, so it's still full fare."
KG: He stood before almost naked and slowly reached down. "No," she whispered, "leave your socks on."
GM: Molly was stunned as she reached into the bucket of popcorn next to her and grasped a big handful of her boyfriend's penis. After all, she'd gone to the cinema alone.
EG: At that moment she knew with butterflies in her stomach she was banned from the London Zoo butterfly house.