The following is a guide to Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions for the fifth episode of the eighteenth series.
EG: Ed Gamble
MA: Maisie Adam
EB: Ed Byrne
LD: Larry Dean
HD: Hugh Dennis
TS: Tiff Stevenson
Rejected Exam Questions
HD: History of Modern Art, question 1: What the fuck is that meant to be?
EG: No Deal Brexit Technology: Using only a battery and a dead rat, create a solar panel to hear your last tin of beans.
LD: If you have two lines of equal length, how long is it until you can run for Prime Minister?
MA: If Susie has three bananas and two apples, what is the probability she's already told you about her new plant based diet?
TS: Draw a perfect sphere. You may use a protractor or Dara O Briain's head as a guide.
EB: Political science: Boris Johnson is set to be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain. Please explain how without using the term "clusterfuck".
HD: If Mary has six apples, Thomas has four apples, and Gavin has a knife, who has the apples?
EG: Solve X and Y by asking my ex, "WHY?!"
HD: Animal Husbandry, question 1: Do you take this sheep to be your lawful wedded husband?
MA: A-Level Statistics, question 1: What percentage of you lot are VIRGINS!
LD: If a milkshake is traveling towards a fascist at 30 miles an hour, how funny is that?!
EB: Metalwork: fashion a toast rack. Heavy Metalwork: Release a double album about your love of Satan.
EG: Without using the letter C, spell Jeremy Hunt.
TS: Chemistry: Do we have it, because I think there's a bit of a thing between us.
EB: Panel show host qualification exam: Can you work a poxy buzzer? (Dara pauses before pressing buzzer)
HD: Who knew?
EG: If a boy is bullied at school for eight hours a day and he has to use to use comedy as a defense mechanism, WHO'S THE REAL LOSER NOW, NEIL JOHNSON?!
Unlikely Things To Hear On A Gardening Programme
EG: And this is the soil where I spread my seed last week. In fairness, I didn't know the cameras were on.
HD: Well, they look like onions, but they're not onions. They're my testicles.
MA: I got the lawnmower from Halfords, I got the rake from B&Q, and I got the hoe from singlesexybabesinmyarea.com.
EG: These are my peonies, and these es my peenees.
EB: Gardening: All the effort of farming, but none of the profit.
LD: So now that we've filled the hole, let's pop off town to the pet shop and try to find an identical dog.
HD: People ask me why do you grow vegetables, and the answer is I don't know. It's much cheaper at Tesco's... (suddenly realizing something) and I could have had a life.
MA: This beautiful rose is just like my wife: Vibrant, full of life, and if you try to touch it, you feel a prick. Why did you leave me, Karen?
EG: (sniffs something) WELCOME TO GARDENING WITH MICHAEL GOVE!
TS: As you can see, these blackberries aren't doing very well, and that is because the technology is shit and not compatible with anything.
LD: It's great to have a part of your garden that attracts (notices something and stomps on it) wildlife.
EB: Sweetpea: Often overlooked, but shouldn't be as it could be the first symptom of type 2 diabetes.
HD: Well, to be honest, I would dig it out with a spade, but I've never seen a blackhead like it.
LD: Welcome to the garden of remembrance. There's where I left my keys.
EB: There are hard and fast rules when it comes to laying turf: Sod's law. (audience groans) Oh, come on!
EG: I keep all my gardening equipment in different places. I've got hoes in different area codes. (EB: No way! No way!) Wait, I've got one more. There are hard and fast rules when it comes to laying turf: Sod's law!