EB: Ed Byrne
SR: Suzi Ruffell
NN: Nigel Ng
OK: Olga Koch
HD: Hugh Dennis
RJ: Rhys James
Unlikely Things To Hear In A Religious Programme Edit
OK: Marry, shag, avoid: Father, son, holy ghost.
HD: Does Jesus save? Let's check the VAR.
NN: If you like to make a donation, please use the church's own online donation system, Papal.
RJ: And Jesus was born in a manger surrounded by sandwiches and cappuccinos, for this was a Preta Manger.
EB: Can we all stop calling Andrew Scott "the sexy priest from Fleabag"? Every priest is sexy when you've had enough altar wine.
HD: So if you want to hire an outfit for a marriage in a mosque, come here: Mosque Bross.
EB: Thank you for watching and stay tuned for Stargazing Live, where Dara O Briain and Brian Cox will FILL YOUR HEAD WITH HEATHEN LIES!
SR: And there's the priest wearing a special new dog collar for the event. Welcome to fetish week on Songs Of Praise.
RJ: Welcome to the show in which a man wearing a turban will help you when you can't get through the chain barriers. This is Sikh Assistance.
OK: In Judaism, there is no hell, just a Labour Party conference.
HD: Well, due to a typo, on the programme this morning, we have a bishop, an imam, and representing the Jewish community, the chief rabbit.
EB: Thank you for watching Songs of Praise, and remember, when you go to Heaven, I'm sure it'll be fine when God says "But you didn't go to church" and you said "No, but I did watch it on the telly."
SR: And then it rained for forty days and forty nights, which I can assume had something to do with the homosexuals.
HD: And Jesus fed the gathering with the five loaves and the two fishes apart from the vegan with the wheat allergy who had to bring his own stuff.
NN: This is St. Paul's Cathedral, which because of a No Deal Brexit, is now a Weatherspoons.
RJ: And God said "Let there be light," and there was light. And then he created Eve, but he didn't fancy her so he switched off her light because no likey, no lighty.
Things A Sports Commentator Would Never Say Edit
NN: England have won the World Cup. (crowd boos)
OK: And that was 11.3 seconds. Sorry, Michael, you will not be getting a second date.
RJ: Ronaldo there being booked by the referee for taking his shirt off. He should know the rules by now, you are not allowed to take the referee's shirt off.
HD: Well, in this Grand National, as they come round to the chair for the second time, the music stops. Redrum is eliminated.
EB: And you join us now for the diving. Here we go. Ooh, that wasn't impressive. Oh, no, sorry you join us for the swimming.
HD: Well, I think from here he's gonna go for the top right hand corner-- AND HE DOES! That is how you stick on a stamp!
RJ: Judges there all very impressed, a textbook reverse tuck. You're watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
OK: Is that Maria Sharapova or Mock The Week's Olga Koch?
EB: Thank you for joining us, today we've got a very exciting afternoon of sport ahead of us, but first the golf.
NN: Welcome to the World's Strongest Man competition where we see Dave from Sunderland attempt to pull a bus. They really will shag just anything.
SR: And now time for the gay horses-- I mean, dressage.
RJ: And he has rested the ball there perfectly on the cushion. This really is a lovely new saddle they've made for Lance Armstrong.
HD: Well, at the start of the day, I asked if he got the bottle, now he has proved he has got the bottle, that is my bottle, give me my bottle!
EB: Will it be gold, will it be silver, will it be bronze? Who knows what color the Russian's urine test will be?
RJ: Oh, here the come again, completely naked, wearing nothing but shoes. This is an absolute disgr--- Sorry, I'm being informed that horses always look like that, this is my first time doing the Grand National.