The following is a list of Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions for the tenth episode of the nineteenth series.
EG: Ed Gamble
MA: Maisie Adam
MJ: Milton Jones
RJ: Rhys James
HD: Hugh Dennis
AB: Angela Barnes
Unlikely Lines From A Costume Drama
EG: Sir, I demand satisfaction! I will meet you in that field at dawn and I expect a handjob, minimum!
MJ: They're all naked. (pauses, then walks back)
RJ: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I think I've fallen in love with a scullery maid. Apparently she grew up in a place called "The Dip".
HD: I cannot love you the way I wish to, the war in France has left me less of a man than you deserve. How to explain... Someone shot my knob off!
MA: Heathcliff, my love, let me in, it's me, Cathy! I've left me keys at bingo, what am I like?
AB: At last, he's replied to my missive! Tell me, what does it say? "New messenger boy, who this?"
EG: Well, what do you think the duchess is crying? You just referred to her husband's coffin as "The Duke Box"!
MJ: Lady Windermere, you are far more massive and liquid-- this is Lake Windermere, isn't it? Sorry.
HD: I bring bad news, my liege. The Duke of Richmond, the Earl of Derby and the Black Knight have all fallen, all gone. All turned into Weatherspoons.
MA: Can they crack the enigma code in tonight's film, The Imitation Game? (mockingly) Can they crack the enigma code in tonight's film, The Imitation Game?
RJ: I can't go out there in just my garter and corset! What will my wife think?
AB: I must defy you, Father. I will not marry for money or status. I will only marry for love... and a massive cock.
MJ: (in a German accent) I saw Mozart leaving the opera house. I shouted, "Wolfgang! Wolfgang!" He ignored me, but then he was eaten by a gang of wolves.
RJ: Hi, is this King Arthur, hoping you could help. It's not really a "sword in a stone" thing, more of a "cucumber arse" situation.
HD: I will not marry you, Mr. Darcy. Could you be my fuck buddy?
EG: If you prick me, do I not blled? If you tickle me, do I not laugh? If I chat shit, do I not get banged?
MA: (walking in a circle with one hand up) Ten to two, ten to two, ten to two, ten to two...
Things You Wouldn't Hear On Daytime TV
HD: And now it's time for Repair Shop, where Rishi Sunak has brought in the entire British economy.
AB: Can I have a vowel, a consonant, and, like, seven emojis?
MJ: And now it's time for some country music in a loft with Johnny Cash In The Attic.
MA: And after the break, Mark will be giving me all the tips on how to dress to impress, and I'll be telling Mark to shove his tips up his arse.
HD: And now the programme with the biggest carbon footprint, it's Come Mine With Me.
EG: Today, I'll be looking around this mystery celebrity's house whilst struggling to walk and hallucinating. This is Through The K-Hole.
AB: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Susanna, I talked over you there.
RJ: Who have I brought with me today? Thanks for asking, Vernon. It's my auntie Sue, my mum Carol, and down the end is my gorgeous, gorgeous, soon to be stepdad Tony.
HD: Well, well, look at those kiwi fruit, they look absolutely delicious. Oh, no, sorry, Simon's looking at his testicles again.
MA: Joining us today on Sunday Brunch are three celebrities who you were fairly certain were dead.
MJ: Of course, the best thing to do with leftovers is to put them in the fridge for a couple of days and then throw them away.
RJ: So, Boris says we're going to close our border a full nine months after every other country in the world. Let's see if it's pointless.
MA: They have just 20 minutes to make a thousand pounds, time to find out if they really are Loose Women.
HD: And now, I'm looking for a bigger penis in Wanted Down Under.
EG: And now it's time for Neighbours starring Romesh Ranganathan. That's right, he's in this now as well.
RJ: What to we think of the property? Uh, we love it. Of course we love it, we live here, who the fuck are you?
EG: Unfortunately, this week's Bargain Hunt has been cancelled after some contestants accidentally bought the Ark of the Covenant and melted David Dickinson's face off.
RJ: Welcome to our Saturday Kitchen global warming special and after the break, an emotional Greta Thunberg tries her hand at a baked Alaska.
MJ: And now, the very last episode of A Place In The Sun. (screams and falls to the ground)
AB: Next tonight, it's Family Fortunes, or as I like to call it, Pointless for thick people.