The following is a list of Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions for the third episode of the nineteenth series.
MA- Maisie Adam
EG- Ed Gamble
SO- Sukh Ojla
MS- Mark Simmons
HD- Hugh Dennis
EB- Ed Bryne
Unlikely Things To Say When Running For President
EB: SILENCE, WORMS!
MS: Okay, I just need to check my notes. I've got so much money.
MA: I'm delighted to announce that my running mate is... the hologram of Kim Kardashian's dead dad.
EG: (in a Russian accent) Thank you once again for electing me, Vladimir Putin, president of the USA.
HD: (in an American accent) You will not find me confusin' presidents with fast food outlets, and that is my I've been such a long-time adimirer of JFKFC.
SO: As president, I'll be legalizing marijuana... (stares off and starts laughing)
EB: Ladies and gentlemen, I want to be your president, not for the fame, not for the power, not for the riches... but for the fanny.
HD: This week I will speak in four states: Angry. Tired. PSYCHOTIC! Medicated.
MA: Why should black voters trust me? Well, if you check my college photos, I even used to dress up as you guys back in the day!
SO: In light of recent events, we've decided to postpone all campaign activities. It's called self-care, babes, look it up.
MS: Tax havens. Tax Butlin's. Tax Pontlins.
EB: If elected, I will drastically reduce the price of prosthetic limbs because right now, they cost an arm and a leg. Boom!
HD: I will not be running in 2020. I will be skipping! (skips around the stage)
SO: I can't deny it. I did send those explicit images, but in my defense, I just had my arsehole bleached and I was very pleased at how it came out.
EB: (in an old voice) To the people who say I'm too old to be president, here's a pound, don't tell your mum.
MA: (pointing throughout) Yes we can. Lock her up. Drain the swamp. Hands, face, space. Oh my god! I can't stop speaking in threes! Someone please help!
EG: The allegations of voter fraud are ridiculous, my opponent is just jealous of my popularity with the dead!
MS: I'm running for president and what do you do? Advisor? (mimes lowering something on his head) What do you do?
HD: People say I have alienated too many people to be elected president. And to those people, I say fuck off.
Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Cookery Show
EG: Sorry, onions always make me cry because my mother was killed by an onion truck.
MA: Now, it's had a lot of bad press recently, but I think I can change your mind recently with bat a l'orange...
HD: If you are going to Google this recipe, do be aware that "coq au vin" does bring up a lot of dogging websites.
EB: This recipe was passed down to me by my great-grandmother, so it is a little bit racist.
MS: So last week, I showed you how to knock up a chicken. This week, I'll show you how to impregnate a turkey.
EG: Hi, I'm Nigella Lawson and I've run out of innuendos, so I'm just going to cook this curry with a tit out.
SO: And of course, you can get these from the supermarket, but I prefer to grow my own Haribo.
EB: Well, they are a very sad pair of dumplings, but they're still hosting MasterChef.
MS: So, there is shark fin soup, ta-da. Sorry. (to the tune of the "Jaws" theme) Ta-da...
EG: Now in America, they call these eggplants, but in the UK we simply call them chickens.
MA: Now, we've put the pineapple on the pizza, all that's left is to slide it into the bin!
HD: So, is it a cereal, is it seafood? Who cares? It's the world's most dangerous fusion food: Sugar Pufferfish!
EB: Cor, two apples. (adjusts his glasses) Sorry, core two apples.
SO: So when my family came to England in the 60s, they very early on, they realized that all you need to do is package up any old shit, call it "authentic", and white people will lap it up.
MS: Welcome to my new pop-up restaurant where we just make toast.
EG: And now I'm going to roast these carrots. Yeah, you wonky orange knobs!
HD: So we wait for that to rise for a minute and if it doesn't, I'll pop another Viagra.
EB: (acting a little drunk) It's another lockdown, so you know what that means: It's another series of Cooking While Pissed! (audience cheers) Today we're going to put an oven-ready meal in the microwave for too long!