The following is a list of Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions for the seventh episode of the nineteenth series.
EB: Ed Byrne
SO: Sukh Ojla
GM: Glenn Moore
RJ: Rhys James
HD: Hugh Dennis
LL: Laura Lexx
Things A Sports Commentator Would Never Say
GM: Oh, and he's just finished the race in just under two hours, a grueling finish to the hundred meters and a very disappointing performance from Captain Tom.
SO: And congratulations to my mum who's taking home the gold medal for passive agression.
EB: And there he is, he's crossed the line, that jockey has just won the Grand National, he must feel five feet tall!
RJ: And there we have it, we finally know who has won the Ashes. Some said a tombola at a funeral was inappropiate, but it's what she would have wanted.
HD: Well, with three 6s like that in a row, you have to ask "Is Satan the one day batsman England have been looking for?"
GM: It's 2046, welcome to the opening ceremony of the Tokyo 2020 Olympics!
EB: And Hamilton has the lead and look how excited his dog is.
LL: Tonight, we have coverage of the England men's team.
HD: Well, that is a wild throw in the javelin, that is huge, very difficult to tell where that javelin's going. Where is that jave-- (falls to the floor, as if the javelin just pierced him)
SO: And he's reaching and he's almost got it, and yes, Harry Potter has the golden snitch. Of course he has, the smug prick.
RJ: And that is exactly why they call him "a fox in the box", a great finish followed by shitting and screaming.
HD: Well, that was a very delayed decision on VAR, but yes, Geoff Hurst's goal did cross the line.
EB: Oh, and that's a firm backhand, although I like to try reasoning with the staff.
GM: What's the name of the guy taking the penalty? Can you find out-- Oh, it's gone in! Goooooooooo-- scored by I still don't-- oooooaaaaaallllll!
LL: Liverpool in their away costumes there, just making their way backstage for the interval.
RJ: And what a fascinating end to the snooker, he went red, then blue and then the ambulance arrived to take him away.
EB: Andy Murray there with a soft lob. Happens to the best of us.
HD: And as the lights go out for the start of this nighttime Singapore Grand Prix, the drivers shout "Please turn the lights on! We can't see a fucking thing!"
Unlikely Things To Hear On A Property Show
GM: Now, this next property's got a bit of a showbiz sparkle. Now, do you know David Tennant? Well, the guy he played, Dennis Nilsen, used to live here.
EB: Now, an excellent way to check if it is a load-bearing wall is to knock it down and see what happens!
HD: Storage is often a problem, but not for me. I am Kevin Mc iCloud.
SO: And, of course, you've got the extra room, you know, thinking about the longer term if you want to married and have babies, if, you know that's something you're interested in...
HD: This week on Location, Location, Location, we're in Basingstoke, Basingstoke, Basingstoke.
LL: Next up on BBC London, we've got Escape to the Country, and on BBC Somerset, it's Defend The Village From Townie Buggers!
RJ: Now, this clever couple swapped their tiny one-bed for a south-facing detached 426-bed by simply moving to Bensons for Beds.
GM: Now, we have had a couple of issues with the garden. We've managed to clear away most of the Japanese knotweed, (begins to sink) but I don't know how familiar you are with quicksand.
RJ: After this millennial couple stopped buying posh lattes for an entire year, they had saved enough money for one massive latte.
GM: And there's also the option of a fire in the living room if you need the insurance money.
HD: Well, I asked the vendor what he thought of your offer and he told me to shove it up your arse.
EB: And we've been able to convert this one-bedroom flat into a three-bedroom flat just by putting a bed in the kitchen and the toilet.
SO: Ah, I see you've put a cellar on your must-haves. Is that because you're alcoholics or perverts?
HD: John has always wanted to convert a lighthouse but the project has been on and off for years. (Ed groans and says "Get out!")
LL: This week on A Place In The Sun, we feature a couple who speak a second language and buy the house.
RJ: Now, you said you wanted to be near a school. How many little ones do you have? Okay, how many are you expecting to have? I'm going to have to call the police, sir.
EB: Of course, we're not sure if they're serious buyers, but when they're finished having a shit, we'll ask them.