Rejected First Lines For the New Harry Potter Book
FB: Harry thought of his magical adventures very differently, now that he'd been diagnosed as a schizophrenic.
HD: “Don't you realise, Ron?” said Harry, “with our magic powers we simply won't need rohypnol.”
FB: Finishing in the cafeteria, Harry and Ron turned their wands on themselves.
HD: I am Lord Voldemort! And I am an alcoholic.
RI: Grease the goat! Grease the goat! Grease the goat!
EB: Harry stared at his own spectacles and thought “I can summon a centaur, but I can't fix my astigmatism.”
AP: I have earned more money than The Queen. I can't be arsed!
HD: “I'm sorry Harry,” said Ron. “I... I thought you felt the same way.”
JB: “Genital warts at Hogwarts?” said Matron. “What's that?”
EB: Harry wrapped the elastic around his arm, and tapped the crook of his elbow, trying to get a vein up. “Come on, you bastard!” he said.
FB: Something about the spell must have gone wrong, because one of Harry's testicles had turned into a scorpion.
HD: It was October, and the start of Harry's 5th term at Feltham Young Offenders' Institution.
FB: “Show us where Dumbledore touched you,” said the judge. “Show us on the doll.”
Unhelpful Things To Say In a Crisis
EB: I know, why don't we get the U.N. invloved?
HD: Statistically speaking, of course, in these circumstances, most of us will die.
FB: Kumbaya, M'lord, Kumbaya!
AP: I think this 14th century text adequately sums up what I want to say.
FB: I know you're a hijacker, but I ordered a vegetarian meal.
RI: I know this is probably the wrong time, but I've got an erection.
FB: Women and children first! Then I'll shag the men and the animals.