- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- RH – Russell Howard
- MW – Mark Watson
- DM – David Mitchell
Things You Wouldn't Hear On a Driving Test
FB: When I slap the dashboard with my forehead, I'd like you to crawl out of the wreckage and fetch help.
HD: OK, when I give you the signal, I want you to wind the window down and call the cyclist a wanker!
RH: Right, five pounds for a pensioner. Good.
FB: My stumps don't reach the pedals!
DM: Well, if you'd just like to pull into the lay-by, we can complete the oral part of the test.
RH: Right, when I say "go", foot down, straight through Jeweller's, get what you can.
FB: You made one mistake sir: a pine air freshener doesn't cover up the smell of a dead hitchiker.
DM: Well...if she doesn't get up, you've definitely failed.
HD: Well, at least we know the air bags work.
AP: George Michael? You've passed!
FB: If I fail, can I still keep driving my taxi?
MW: Me, in a car. Can't believe it!
FB: On the signal, I'd like you to mount the pavement and kill my ex-wife.
RH: Grab the wheel. (As if leaning out the window) PIIIIIIIIIIGS! ...Left here.
FB: There are two ways you can pass: you can spend two hours driving around Norwich, or you can suck on this.
What The Queen Didn't Say In Her Christmas Message
HD: ...What the fuck are you staring at?
RH: So if you're bored around Christmas time, here's what I like to do. Peel a satsuma so it looks like a wang! (thumbs up)
FB: Edward stuffed the turkey this year. (Scratches chin) He seemed to be awfully good at it...
AP: Lord Stevens had it wrong: I did have her killed!
HD: Are you paying too much for your car insurance?
FB: It's been good to spend some time with my family. And Harry.
MW: (After not being able to do an impression of the Queen): Hello, I'm here with some token blacks!
HD: (Wiping his lips, as if he's just eaten something): Yum, yum! I've just eaten a swan!
DM: It's time like these that make me think of those less...oh, fuck it.
HD: (As Prince Charles) Yes...it's not her, it's me. And she's perfectly safe. As long as you do everything I say.
AP: I've just had four portions of Christmas pudding, and I'm so stuffed... I've just touched cloth.
RH: Well, what a year it's been. This year, what did we do--Teabagging! Did that for the first time. (garbles)...like that...
FB: HA! You changed the channel and I'm still here, fuckers!
HD: I've just had my traditional Christmas roast. Philip at the front...
RH: (In a quiet tone): Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually an elf!
FB: I've had a few medical problems this year; I'm now so old... that my pussy is haunted.