HD: So, that's the bird plucked and stuffed, now all that remains is to kill it.
RH: (making a cranking motion throughout) So that's what you can do with the body. Now I'm gonna show you how to make a cape with the skin.
FB: I'm Nigella Lawson, and what I love about presenting this programme is the knowledge that, at home, Frankie Boyle has just about ripped his cock off.
HD: Well, here's one I effed up earlier.
GY: Welcome to One Fat Lady.
AP: And here, what you want to do is to put a little bit of the brown mixture in the tin and then sprinkle a little bit of hash on the top of it.
HD: Well, these Korean meatballs really are the dog's bollocks.
FB: If you're wondering how to get the perfect skin on your parsnips, then you're mental.
GY: Hello, I'm Delia Smith and today we're going to cook a panda.
(EB: AM I INVISIBLE IN THIS FUCKING JACKET?)
HD: So, I've marinated it for half an hour, seared it for 15 seconds, and now I'm drizzling it on my buttocks.
AP: You just need two things to make this dish: what you need is a take away menu and a phone.
FB: Tonight on Russian cookery: cyanide, polonium, and a crab stuffed with explosives.
EB: FUCK OFF! (After repeatedly not being allowed to say his suggestion, pushes Hugh Dennis back and steals the microphone, before bringing it back) It's not going to be worth it now, is it? (buzzer, Ed walks back)
FB: While you're stuffing the lamb, put your hand over his muzzle so he can't cry for his mother.
EB: If you don't have chocolate chips, you can just use your own $#*!.
FB: This dish requires a little extra salt...so I'm going to eff it!
HD: Today, I've been making coq au vin. (clutching his abdomen) Now, I can't get it out of the bottle...
RH: I'm Nigella Lawson. Frankie? (makes a bosom jiggling motion)
FB: And there we have it: a doughnut shaped like a Boy Scout's arsehole.
Bad Things To Say At The Opening of The New Wembley StadiumEdit
HD: Is it just me or does it all feel a bit wobbly?
FB: Due to a double booking England's first match is against Simply Red!
EB: Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt!
AP: Welcome to the 2008 cup final. So if you could all make your way to the coaches, we're on our way to Cardiff.
FB: ...And all for the same price as building a rope ladder between the Earth and Jupiter.
RH: Can Mr. Bin Laden report to lost property please, Mr. Bin Laden?
(This is where the "Too Hot for TV" suggestions begin.)
FB: Well, isn't this magnificent? Some seats pointing at some effing glass.
HD: You know I think I prefer the old one.
RH: And now, for the naked Sven-Göran Eriksson bungee jump! Fly, my pretty, fly!
FB: As you'll see the dressing rooms have been specially adapted for mass roastings.
HD: No, I'm sorry. You haven't got planning permission.
FB: And already, there's a dog on the pitch as Tessa Jowell opens the stadium.
GY: I know a Polish guy that had done this for a Grand...
(And that is where the "Too Hot for TV" suggestions end.)
FB: And who knows, maybe here, one day, with the right linesman, England can cheat their way to another world cup victory.
AP: And maybe, one day, with the right bunch of hooligans from Scotland, these goalposts can get thrashed all over again!
FB: Cost 100 million pounds to demolish Wembley, if you'd had your last game against Scotland we'd have done it for nothing.