- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- RH – Russell Howard
- EB – Ed Byrne
- GY – Gina Yashere
What a News Reporter Would Never Say
- RH: Next on News 24, I'm going to punch a zebra. Who cares? No one's watching.
- HD: Here, children as young as eight are forced to earn their own living-- MORE POLISH! MORE POLISH! I WANT TO SEE MY FACE!
- FB: Here on the streets it seems that Britain is completely in the grip of gang culture. This is John Simpson...FOR THE ITN MASSIF!
- GY: Can you hear the bombs falling? No? That's because they're in Baghdad, I'm here in Peckham!
- HD: Reports of a mystery man loitering in the area... turned out to be me.
- FB: News just in: (confused) "Go to a break. Your wife's been hit by a truck."
- EB: And it was just a few feet from here that the shots were fired. I know, I fired them.
- HD: Well, finally the power in Beirut seems to be back on. The radiator I'm chained to is getting quite warm.
- FB: Even amidst the devastation of this earthquake there are still stories of hope. I found a man's wallet!
- AP: (in a distorted voice) I am actually in my bedroom but I am trying to make it look like I'm in Baghdad on a satellite phone
- FB: And I can't help thinking that if my country was gripped by famine... I'd just move.
[Too Hot For TV entries are below]
- FB: Rape, Murder, Arson. I've had a fantastic weekend.
- GY: They wouldn't make Trevor McDonald do this shit!
- FB: And it anything can be learned from this high school massacre, it's surely this: Don't mess with goths, they're fucking mental.
Unlikely Letters To Be Read Out On Points of View
- HD: Why oh why oh why... is the structure of my chromosomes.
- EB: Dear BBC, I watched a light entertainment programme on your network the other night that wasn't hosted by Graham Norton. Is he ill?
- RH: (in an amazed tone) Dear BBC, how did you manage to get those hippos to swim in a circle?!
- GY: Dear BBC, I am a Nigerian general with 30 million pounds to put in your bank account...
- HD: (in a perverted voice) Last night, I turned on to your new porn channel... CBoobies.
- FB: (in a weird voice) Dear Points of View, I would like to complain about the weird voice you're reading out my letter in!
- RH: Dear Points of View, has anyone else noticed that Pat Butcher looks a lot like the honey monster from the Sugar Puffs advert?
- AP: Dear BBC, when are you going to show Nuts on the Road, Nim Nim Nim?!
- FB: (in an angry tone) Dear Points of View, I watched Silent Witness with the sound off and it didn't make any sense!
- EB: Dear BBC, well it's now 30 years down the line and I'm no closer to owning a robotic house-maid. Tomorrow's World? Tomorrow's Horseshit more like!
- FB: Dear Points of View, watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy made me think that when I made gay friends, they give me fashion tips. Actually, they fucked me.
[Too Hot For TV entries are below.]
- HD: Dear BBC, last night I was watching Songs Of Praise, masturbating furiously as usual...
- FB: Dear Points Of View, can I complain about the gratuitous fucking swearing every fucking week on Mock The Fucking Week?
- HD: Dear BBC, are you paying too much for your car insurance?
- RH: Dear BBC, please bring back the old idents. Yours, that black bloke in the wheelchair.
- FB: The other night I was watching Nigella Lawson. I picked up some good tips on baking bread... and in the process, I just about ripped my cock off.