Key[edit | edit source]
- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- RH – Russell Howard
- MM – Michael McIntyre
- BN – Ben Norris
Topics[edit | edit source]
Unlikely Things For a Royal Correspondent To Say[edit | edit source]
- FB: Isn't it wonderful to see Prince Charles being made king at the age of 137.
- AP: And the Queen there majestically taking her place in the queue to withdraw her savings from Northern Rock.
- HD: The Queen asked me if I was from the BBC and I said I was. And she told me to piss off.
- AP: There we see Prince Phillip going over to talk to man from China. This should be interesting.
- MM: In fact it's the Chinese premier, and he's just asked him for a menu.
- FB: Prince Harry hasn't been put off by the congestion charge. He says he still manages to come into Chelsea twice a day.
- HD: Well the crowd are absolutely loving this event, the night sky is dancing with light! Yes, the Queen set fire to Windsor Castle again!
- FB: It's great to see the whole family waving from the balcony... through the sights of my AK-47.
- HD: And as Prince Phillip cuts the tape to open this mental institution... the doctors have got him!
What a Rugby Commentator Would Never Say[edit | edit source]
- HD: Oh and he's skipped through the defence and that's lucky because if these South Sea Islanders catch you, they eat you.
- FB: Time for the scrum where the players can have a quick kiss, and exchange phone numbers.
- AP: And it's the coin toss, and Johnny Wilkinson has sprained his thumb!
- HD: And that is a massive tackle. Wish mine was like that.
- FB: Not everyone's been able to get tickets to this World Cup final, and we know a lot of you are watching at home, so hello to you, the England team.
- HD: Oh, and it's bad news for New Zealand: Rugby doesn't matter.
- BN: And keep an eye on this ball as it hits the ground cos it's such an unusual shape it could go anywhere!
- AP: (Imitating New Zealand haka) CILLIT BANG! CILLIT BANG! KIA ORA! KIA ORA!
- FB: All pretence has been abandoned as both teams take to the field naked covered in lubricant to the sound of pounding techno.
- RH: Thick muscular necks, broken noses and powerful thighs. The rugby wives are minging.
- FB: This young man has a brilliant playing career ahead of him, followed by a bleak career as an after dinner speaker before his suicide at 40.
- HD: Well he is in many ways the perfect fly-half: legs of a human, torso of a blue bottle.
- RH: The South Africans their passing to their one black player, Johnny Token.
- HD: So it's England versus Samoa. A team of rank amateurs against Samoa!
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