- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- RH – Russell Howard
- MW – Mark Watson
- JC – Jo Caulfield
Unlikely Small AdsEdit
FB: Erectile problems? Hahahahahaha!
AP: Found: DVD of Lost.
HD: Want to earn pounds, pounds, pounds? Yes, £3!
FB: Would you like no strings attached sex? Contact my whore of an ex-wife.
HD: Worried about hair loss? You bald bastard.
AP: (Was about to say something after HD's suggestion, but was buzzed off before suggesting)
FB: Dog available to good home. Free prawn crackers with every delivery.
JC: Want to earn money at home? Become a prostitute, it's easy!
HD: Problems with your short-term memory? Can't remember what you've just read? Problems with your short-term memory?...
MW: Room to let. No one has died in it. No one.
RH: Wanted, one Spice Girls ticket and one gun.
FB: Bored, lonely, depressed? Meet like-minded people at salsa dancing!
(Too Hot for TV suggestions:)
AP: Become an organ donor. Cycle in London today!
RH: For sale: one penis pump. Careless owner.
FB: John, 20, has been missing for five years. He was a diabetic and left without taking his medication. Let's face it, he's dead.
AP: Come and get me! I'm just 16 years old and barely legal! Sadly, I'm a car.
HD: SWF, GSOH, seeks other letters to form proper words.
MW: Lady seeks male for walks, laughs, and eye-watering anal sex.
FB: Are you looking for a plumber to do a professional job at an affordable price? You've got no fucking chance.
RH: For sale: parrot, knows all the latest swear words. Tell 'em, Ringo! (imitating parrot:) C*nt! C*nt! C***NT!!!
Excerpts From DVDs That Wouldn't SellEdit
HD: My name is Hannibal Lecter. I'm a vegan.
FB: I'm afraid one thing you're going to be fighting for some time, Bond, is HIV.
AP: Welcome to Antiques Roadshow: Too Hot For TV.
RH: From the makers of Alien vs Predator, Alien vs Pingu.
HD: (deep voice) From the makers of Snakes on a Plane: Mice on a Tube.
FB: Here's looking at you, kid, is why I'm in a Cambodian jail.
RH: 3-love. I'm Ann Widdecombe and this is Naked Table Tennis.
FB: Ahh, Frodo, you're hurting me. When I said you should destroy the ring......
(Too Hot for TV suggestions:)
FB: Thank you for purchasing Learning the Guitar with Stephen Hawking.
RH: Bloody Hell, that looks like a Roman viaduct. Hiya, welcome back to Celebrity Bowel Movement with me, Vernon Kay.
HD: Let me explain this right from the start: I see dead people.
FB: We've got your X-rays back, Rocky. Turns out you were brain-damaged before you started boxing.
AP: Mary Poppins, ever since you shook that baby, it's not moved!
FB: All Jedi do gay stuff, Luke. Relax and feel the Force.
RH: And now, Late Night Chuckle Brothers! To me! To you! (starts wanking)
HD: Hello, I'm John Prescott, and welcome to Speaking English as a Foreign Language.
FB: I'm from the future. Mankind won its war with the robots easily, so I'm out here on my own time to murder James Blunt.
RH: Grr, that's better... Join us next week for an all-new Slash in the Attic.
AP: Hello, and welcome to Call My Muff: the Highlights!