- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- RH – Russell Howard
- MM – Michael McIntyre
- LP – Lucy Porter
Bad Things For a By-election Candidate To Say
FB: I would like to kiss your baby, but we don't want to go down that road again.
HD: I am the perfect candidate. This is an election, and I am bi.
LP: Vote for me, Doris Mugabe. I'd like to say to say no relation but, (scrunches her neck and puts her finger on her chin) ooh!
MM: I'm not going to lie to you, power gives me wood.
FB: I've been knocking on doors in this constituency for weeks, and it's completely unconnected to the recent stranglings.
MM: Knife crime must end! Just last week I was given a steak knife when I clearly ordered the fish!
FB: If elected living standards will go up... for me and my wife!
AP: I would say the fact that the Labour Party haven't put forward a candidate has not devalued this election at all. Ask my fellow opponents Timmy Mallet, Elvis and The Honey Monster.
FB: I promise to bring crime in this constituency down, by patrolling the streets at night dressed as a man-leopard.
LP: I have impeccable green credentials because I've never used deodorant or had a bath.
FB: I know nothing about politics, but I can crush a ripe pear between my buttocks.
Unnerving Things To Hear During a Medical Examination
HD: (Facing away from audience) Yes, er, I'll be operating... (turns right way around) Oh, there you are.
RH: OH MY GOD! COME HERE, YOU'VE GOTTA LOOK AT THIS!!!
FB: That's your smear test done, and I do have some bad news. I'm the janitor.
HD: Yes, well it's... definitely stuck up there... we may, er... we may have to use the ferret.
MM: So, if you'd like to just pop your clothes over there, next to mine.
HD: You'll live... for about a week.
FB: Well, there's good news and bad news, but don't worry! I can give the good news to your widow!
AP: Don't worry! Panic over! It was just a spider on the microscope!
HD: And how does it feel if I touch you here? And here? And there?
LP: These drugs don't actually work, but every time I prescribe them, I get a free pen.
HD: No, no, no, no, no, you can't have your old hip back, Mrs. Smith. I fed it to my dog.
FB: This is one of the healthiest X-rays I've ever seen. But if we compare that with yours, ha!
MM: Right, I thought for a change, I could cough and you could hold my balls.
FB: You have the body of someone half your age... growing inside your womb.
HD: Good news: you've had a baby. Bad news: it's blown your cock off.