- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- RH – Russell Howard
- SA – Stephen K. Amos
- EB – Ed Byrne
Things You're Unlikely To Hear On a Quiz Show
HD: Here is your starter for ten... spring rolls, sesame toast and chili balls with prawn.
FB: Hello and welcome to Ask The Family. Mr Fritzl, where's the rest of them?
AP: 'Hello, we're Ant and Dec, and welcome to Double Our Money- er, Double YOUR Money!
FB: [Impersonating Anne Robinson] I'm Anne Robinson, and if my Botox wears off, my face will turn into a scrotum.
SA: Look at what you could have won if you went to school.
EB: Name? Ted Smith. Occupation? Carpenter. And your chosen specialized subject? The Life and Work of the carpenter Ted Smith.
RH: For £1 million, complete this well-known phrase: "The..."?
AP: Uh, I'd like a vowel. A vowel. A vowel. A vowel. A vowel. (imitates buzzer) Is the answer "eeeeeurgh"?
FB: I'm Richard Whiteley. (hums last notes of the "Countdown" theme, then flatlines)
HD: Welcome to inflation adjusted Who Wants To Be A Zimbabwe Millionaire?
FB: It's the banker. He says he's got your kids.
EB: And your question is on celebrities. What jocular Irish host of the popular show Mock The Week is known by his friends as "Dobby" for his uncanny resemblance to the house elf in Harry Potter?
Things That Would Change the Atmosphere at a Dinner Party
AP: Ignore the banging, she's been in there for 24 years!
FB: Help yourself to Nibbles. He was our favourite hamster, but it's what he would have wanted.
EB: Are you sure this is pork? It's just that my crackling has a tattoo.
HD: Don't worry, we don't say grace. We just sacrifice a child to the great god Imhotep.
RH: Doorbell! Excellent, that'll be James Blunt and Heather Mills, hope he's brought his guitar!
FB: I hope nobody's allergic to nuts, because I like to rest mine on the table.
HD: Well this is absolutely lovely, I say we all raise a glass... TO ZE FÜHRER!!!
RH: Ten of you arrived. Only one will leave.
EB: Anyway, long story short, after about two hours, you couldn't tell what was poo and what was chocolate.
FB There is a vegetarian option: You can fuck off!