- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- RH – Russell Howard
- MM – Michael McIntyre
- MW – Mark Watson
Commercials That Never Made It To Air
HD: Masturbation: Are you getting your five-a-day?
AP: Worried about bankruptcy? Then why not paddle your canoe into the middle of the ocean?
FB: Lidl's own brand shampoo: Because you're worthless.
RH: (Imitating a child) If you hit me at 40 mph, there's an 80% chance I'll die. If you hit me at 30mph, there's an 80% chance I'll live. Stop trying to hit me.
MM: Poor, and too lazy to cook? That's why mums shop at Iceland.
HD: This isn't just a gimp mask, this is an S&M gimp mask!
FB: Do your knickers feel uncomfortable on? Try Bacardi Breezer!
MW: (in an Australian accent) You find flying boring? Fly Qantas, you might die!
RH: The Daily Mail: Racist in public so you don't have to be.
FB: I'm Fern Britton and this machine took two stone off me. It's a bacon slicer.
HD: I'm John McCain, why not buy my home fitness video?
FB: Are you thinking of drinking and driving? Remember, the M20 is surprisingly quiet on a Saturday night.
HD: (singing to the tune of the Flower Duet) We've lost your bags... we've lost your bags...
MM: From Gillette comes the new Sensor Uber-Uber-Uber-Excel, for that closest ever shave! In fact, this one slices your face like a potato peeler. It's too close, get the previous Gillette Sensor, it turns out we couldn't get closer than that one!
HD: Thirty one million names on three great discs: Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs' Now That's What I Call a Monumental Cockup, Volume 1!
RH: Max Moseley doesn't do Nazi-themed orgies, but if he did, they'd probably be the best Nazi-themed orgies in the world!
Bad Things To Hear On Opening the Door In The Middle of the Night
HD: (in an Irish accent) Hello, I'm Dara Ó Briain. I'd like to talk to you about Mock The Week!
MW: I'm back from my canoe trip.
FB: I saw a peeping Tom in your garden, but I warned him... this is my patch.
HD: Er, I've come to fix your washing machine: You asked for a call-out between 12 and 5...
MW: Hello, I'm afraid my cock is stuck in your letterbox.
AP: (German accent) Hello. I'm Max Mosley, and I've been a very naughty boy.
FB: I'm afraid your husband's been murdered. Can I borrow a shovel?
MM: Hello, I'm Gordon Brown. Just hold me.