- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- RH – Russell Howard
- EB – Ed Byrne
- ZL – Zoe Lyons
Bad Things To Say At a Job Interview
FB: What can I bring to the job? A burning hatred of the West, a hook for a hand, and a pilot's licence.
HD: The, er, five-year employment gap, yeah? I was canoeing?
EB: Right, I hope that we can all be professional about the fact that I've just split up with all three of you...
AP: I'm really only here because I'm hoping to slip on a wet floor and then fall off a ladder.
FB: Yes, I've had a few changes of address: Wormwood Scrubs, Broadmoor, but for the last 3 months I've lived in your air conditioning.
ZL: Erm, I'm really into diversity: in my last job I made sure we had a black a fruit and a fatty.
HD: I have always wanted to work in a motel. (To side) I'M TELLING THEM, MOTHER, I'M TELLING THEM!
FB: This job would be a great opportunity for me to steal a shitload of stationery.
RH: HEEEEYYYYY!!!!! I remember you from the dungeon! It's me! Gimpy Terry!
AP: I'm Gimpy Terry's mate.
FB: Sum myself up in three words? Well, I suppose it would have to be Killer Alien Vagina.
RH: What do you mean, I'm under-qualified to be a plumber? I'm 5 hours late, I've done a piss in your sink!
EB: When can I start? Yesterday. But I can only work till today.
FB: NINE TILL FIVE? NINE TO FIVE? MY MEDICATION WEARS OFF AT THREE!
Things You Wouldn't Hear On Songs of Praise
FB: HELLO CANTERBURY, LET'S MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE!
HD: Well, the locals here on the Shetland Isles have given us a tremendous welcome: today, we have our act of worship, and tomorrow, they're burning me in a wicker man.
RH: (rapping) They call him G-O-D and he the big daddy, he look like me but he more beardy!
ZL: (Irish accent) Hello, I'm Sister Margaret, and I'm an alcoholic!
FB: The parishoners will now go forward to receive communion... if they can get past Atlas and Predator.
RH: Christians in one corner, Muslims in the other... LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
HD: Well, the goat is strapped to the altar, so let's begin!
EB: That was beautiful. Such a shame there's no one actually up there to have heard it.
FB: And we appear to have a streaker- No, one of the altar boys has escaped from the vestry.
AP: If you're enjoying this, why not turn over to BBC Three, where you can enjoy Songs of Praise Uncut?
HD: Well, now; "Choir of the Week". They're not the Von Trapp family, but they were the trapped family, it's the Fritzls from Austria!
FB: The next reading is from St. Paul's first letter to Jim'll Fix It.