- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- RH – Russell Howard
- AH – Adam Hills
- DM – David Mitchell
Things You Wouldn't Hear At the OlympicsEdit
- FB: The atheletes will now go forward to recieve their medals and complimentary prawn crackers.
- HD: And there is the Chinese coxless four. It's a harsh punishment, but that's what happens if you lose a heat.
- AP: And look, there's Paula Radcliffe in a clown outfit holding a sparkler.
- DM: We can't find the national anthem to Togo! We're going to have to use the Benny Hill theme tune!
- FB: And that is a personal best: first time I've managed to crack one off to the weightlifting.
- AH: OH MY GOD, THINGS ARE REALLY EXCITING HERE AT THE SAILING!!!
- HD: And there goes the bell! Someone has stolen the bell!
- RH: And now, over to the Paralympics with Glenn Hoddle.
- FB: She's passed one! She's passed two! Paula Radcliffe is very ill, indeed!
- HD: He meddled in Sydney, he meddled in Athens, and he's gonna meddle here unless someone catches him!
- DM: And coming up, your chance to watch teenagers in Leotards without feeling bad.
- FB: To show you just how polluted this city is, the javelin has got stuck in the sky.
- RH: The leading British swimmer had to pull out of the 400m freestyle because he couldn't find a pound for the locker.
- HD: Well, we should've done better in the shooting, and this young team from south Manchester know it.
- FB: And anyone who thinks this opening ceremony is amazing has never been to Blackpool on ecstasy.
Lines You Wouldn't Hear In a War FilmEdit
- FB: We've managed to crack the German code. Turns out they were sending messages in German.
- HD: [German accent and confused] Why are we speaking English?
- AP: I'm afraid we all can't afford goggles, so what we're going to have is go like this. (makes rings with his hands and puts them over his face)
- AH: Terribly sorry Sergeant, it's just that when you said "Let's all band together and take Jerry from behind..."
- DM: So chaps, this is the strategy for the get out of the prisoner of war camp: we sit it out until the end of the war.
- FB: I can't feel my legs! That's because your arms have been blown off!
- HD: I'm saving private Ryan... money on his car insurance!
- FB: Is anyone else embarrassed that we've all turned up in the same outfit?
- RH: There's only one way to settle this war: Through the medium of dance!
- HD: Don't worry, Tommy, I'll make sure she gets it. It's chlamydia, isn't it?
- FB: You've each been selected for this mission, because you're unknown to the enemy, and you each have a special skill: Professor Hawking, John Lesley, Phil Neville, The Wu-Tang clan, Usher, the Sugar Puffs monster, and Daniel Day Lewis! Welcome, to Operation MINDFUCK!
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