- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- RH – Russell Howard
- LP – Lucy Porter
- DM – David Mitchell
Questions That Were Rejected From This Year's Exams
AP: If the answer is 9, what is the question?
LP: When you finish this exam, will you please turn your paper over and mark it?
RH: Using Darwin's theory of evolution, explain Boris Johnson.
DM: Vladimir has ten thousand tanks, and you have three. Why would you start a war? Discuss.
FB: By the year 2015, the population of the Earth will have increased by 20%. How do we find Kerry Katona and stop her?
HD: Complete the following sequence: 16, 35, 24, 8, 9. Now open the safe, grab the stuff and get in the getaway car!
FB: If an object is travelling at 170 miles an hour, encounters resistance and slows to 0, for how many months will Richard Hammond have to wear nappies?
RH: On the diagram below, show where you like to be touched.
FB: Describe your anus, without telling your parents.
HD: Amy is 16. At least she said she was. How much trouble are you in?
DM: Complete this crop rotation: wheat, fallow, rock festival, BNP rally.
FB: If everyone in Class A is called Tom, Thomas or Tommy, and every second boy in Class B is called Tim, Timothy or Timmy, what the fuck is going on?!
Lines You Wouldn't Hear In a Costume Drama
HD: Henry Tudor...but why did he chew her?
FB: The Zulus have us surrounded sir, they're standing on the horizon waving their spears! Wait a minute, those aren't spears!
RH: Mr Darcy, I do believe you've poked me on Facebook!
LP: So, King Henry, I'm your fifth wife... hang on... (counting on her fingers) Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, be- oh, shit!
DM: And for the latest news from the big house, tune in to Pride and Prejudice Extra starting now on BBC Three.
FB: Next, Pride and Extreme Prejudice, where Elisabeth is most surprised to hear Mr. Darcy's views on queers and Jews.
AP: Do you think wearing this bustle makes my arse look big?
HD: Let me read the signal from the Victory. (mimies lifting a telescope to his eye) Are you paying too much for your car insurance?
FB: I worked for the Duke of Wellington when he invented the wellington boot, and the Earl of Sandwich when he invented the sandwich. But I suppose my happiest time was working for Lord Strap-On.
HD: My liege, your desire to marry again will split the church! Does it have to be a gay Nigerian?
FB: Ah, the Duke! My daughter has been itching to meet you. CHLAMYDIA?