FB: Congratulations, you're 18.. on a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.
RH: My heart goes out in sympathy, I know your life is torn. I can't believe your dear sweet mum caught you watching all that porn.
FB: Congratulations on conquering your drug and alcohol dependency. We're having a party to celebrate, but you can't come.
FM: I know you're green, I've done my bit, this card is made of recycled shit.
AP: Get well soon. P.S.: I know it's terminal, but they didn't have a card for that.
HD: Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm locked up in Broadmoor, and thinking of you.
FB: Thinking of you at this difficult time, has given me an erection.
HD: You're moving! We've repossessed your house.
FB: Congratulations on passing your test! You have HIV.
Things You Didn't Hear At the Olympics
FB: I AM THE LITTLE GIRL FROM THE OPENING CEREMONY AND THIS IS MY REAL VOICE!
RH: That gymnast is so supple, if my wife could do that, we'd still be together!
FB: Next, the rhythmic gymnastics. You might want to start beating out your own rhythm at home.
GP: That English track team is awesome!
AP: And it's gold for Ireland!
HD: Well that'll be low marks for synchronicity, but high marks for execution. Clean shot to the head, backwards off the board, pool full of blood, magnificent!
FB: Next over to Gabby Logan who's going to tell us whether or not she's a transvestite.
AP: (laughing) And... and it - (interrupted by the buzzer) And there's (buzzer) fuck all for Ireland!
HD: Oh, let's look at the clock! It's more interesting than the show-jumping.
RH: The one thing we're all thinking through the Olympics: doesn't Clare Balding look like Eddie Izzard?
FB: Nobody can touch this Russian gymnast. Except her coach and her uncle.
AP: And here comes - (interrupted by the buzzer)
HD: Well, what a morning, we've got medals and the Yingling, Yingling, Tiddle-hi and Po.
FB: It's Chinese athlete with number 36 on his chest. That means he's a chicken chow mein.
AP: And here - (interrupted by the buzzer)
HD: The French have four faults: their language, their food, their underarm hair, and the fact that they are French.
FB: A surprise in the canoeing, where the British athlete has gone missing.
AP: It was after I heard the buzzer - (interrupted by the buzzer) that I realised - (interrupted by the buzzer) one thing that I hadn't heard at the Olympics (interrupted by the buzzer) was - (interrupted by the buzzer) fuck it!
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