The following is a guide to the Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions made in the tenth episode of the seventh series.
Bad Things To Hear From a Tour Guide
- RH: Please don't take photos of the natives because they believe that you're taking part of their soul. Apart from that, enjoy Norwich.
- FB: (Yorkshire accent) Hello, me name's Janet, I'm your holiday rep and basically I'll be giving out morning-after pills like they were Smarties.
- HD: (Very quietly) Good morning. I'm afraid this is the loudest I can speak.
- EB: Venice is the most historical city famous for its-- OH SHIT, IT'S FLOODED! EVERYONE GET BACK ON THE BUS!
- FB: A lot of you will be wondering why there are so many wonderful foreign treasures on display here at the British Museum, and the answer is quite simple, really: Gun beats spear.
- HD: Don't worry this castle does cater for the disabled, they bring you a sandwich while the rest of us go up the steps and look at it
- RH: Lets have a little song, shall we? (Hums "Dueling Banjos")
- AP: Coming up later on we've the Topless Donkey Derby and Who's Got The Funniest Willy Competition! Yes, its going to be the best Saga Holiday you've ever had!
- FB: I know that a lot of you can't bear to leave Thailand, which is why I've hidden drugs randomly in your luggage.
- EB: And as we enter the next room where I need you all to be very quiet, because we have technically broken in.
- FB: If you need anything, anything at all, I'll be under your bed.
- JW: And if you look out of the window on your left you'll see the side of the road that we should be driving on.
- FB: Of course you have to respect local customs. On the right hand side, you'll see a woman being burned at the stake, and on the left, Dundee Town Hall.
- HD: Well this the deepest darkest bit of the caves. Unless you give me twenty pounds each it's where you're staying.
- EB: And according to Wikipedia, The East Wing was built in the year Dougie is a homo.
- JW: We're now leaving the Green Zone. Pop on your flack jackets, this is the real Baghdad!
- FB: An adult and two children is ten pounds, but enough about my trip to Cambodia.
Unlikely Things To Hear on a Breakfast Show
- FB: If the woman I picked up last night is watching, help yourself to cereal, but get out the flat by the time I get home.
- HD: And now, it‘s time for Thought for The Day. Hmm. That was a good one.
- AP: You’re listening to 6 Music. Yes you. Just you.
- RH: Welcome to Travel Report! I've got a text from Dave on the M5 who says “Ha, ha, ha, every morning you leave for work, I pop round and shag your wife.”
- HD: So if you’re trying to get in via Junction 2, stop it, it's against nature and the Bible says no.
- FB: Next we speak to Fern Britton about having her stomach stapled, this time to an enormous chocolate cake.
- JW: In another traffic news, if you’re on the M11 heading towards Middlesbrough, I would turn around because it’s a shithole.
- RH: Hello! I'm doing a survey into the effects of replacing milk on your Weetabix with RED BULL!
- EB: We can see there's been an accident northbound on the M1 and it is a beauty!
- FB: Welcome to Radio Tourettes, you shit monkeys!
- HD: You may think of it as a breakfast show. I had mine at FOUR BLOODY THIRTY!
- FB: Later Vanessa Feltz will be joining me on the settee, and I'll be bouncing through the fucking ceiling.