FB: 'GET OUT OF THE WATER, QUICK!' 'Is it a shark?' 'IT'S BARRYMORE!'
HD: I am Lucifer, lord of the night! And tonight, I'll be singing 'Complicated' by Avril Lavigne.
SM: Dave, Dave, wake up! I think I can hear a noise downstairs! Wake up wake up! Oh hold on... no, it's just the washing machine, I put it on earlier on.
RH: He's making a suit out of women's skin! Gok Wan has gone too far this time!
FB: 'I am from Transylvania and I will suck you dry!' 'Oh yes? And what about your cheeky sister?'
HD: No, sorry, Freddy, I think your Satnav's on the blink. This is Elm Crescent.
AP: The child is vomiting, its head is rotating, and it seems to be possessed by the devil. However Britain's Social Services have visited twenty times, and they think everything's okay!
DM: (imitates creaky door opening) I'm here to fix the hinges?
FB: As a vampire I cannot bear direct sunlight, which is why I moved to Scotland. But now I can't find any virgins!
HD: (imitates old woman voice) Red Rum... Red Rum... (imitates Peter O'Sullevan) is over the last and wins the National!
RH: From the makers of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre comes 'The Swindon Lawnmower Kerfuffle'!
FB: This potion that turns you from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde, it looks a lot like six cans of Stella!
AP: STAY AWAY! STAY AWAY FROM THE CASTLE! THE CAFÉ'S OVERPRICED, AND THE GIFT SHOP'S SHIT!
Unlikely Things To Hear On a Children's TV Programme
HD: We have John Craven. If you want to see him again, press the red button.
FB: (imitates holding a drawing) This drawing has been sent in by Robert, age 9! That's a shit drawing, Robert. There are... children your age in China who can make shoes!
AP: This weeks episode of Thomas the Tank Engine has been cancelled, and replaced by Ronald, the Replacement Bus Service.
HD: No no, no it's not Bagpuss, but it is a dead cat I've turned into a bag.
FB: 'There's a rumor that the Teletubbies have been infiltrated by Al Qaida! Have you, Tinky-Winky?' '(shakes head) Toodeloodeloodeloodeloo!' 'Have you, Dipsy?' '(shakes head) Toodeloodeloodeloodeloo!' 'Rachid?'
DM: And remember, while crystal meth is a lovely treat, it is very bad for your teeth.
AP: 'Flobadobadob!' said Bill. 'Bloody foreigners!' said Ben.
FB: 'Flobadobadobadob!' said Ben, because he'd had a stroke.
SM: And today, children, we're gonna be learning where babies come from! Part one: foreplay!
DM: This year, we're sending condoms to Africa! So just ask your Mom and Dad to wash a couple out and send them in!
RH: Are your mummy and daddy out of the room? Good! Listen... you're adopted!
FB: Next up: Sharpy and Ryan take their audition failure very badly, in 'Columbine High School Musical'.
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