- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- RH – Russell Howard
- DM – David Mitchell
- BN – Ben Norris
- MJ – Milton Jones
Things You Wouldn't Hear at a Party Conference
- DM - Blackpool's nice, isn't it?
- HD - Unlike other party leaders, I can mention I am not a slave to the autocue. Smile, pause, applause.
- AP - Would you please welcome the man who's made the Conservatives an electable force again - GORDON BROWN!
- RH - I'm gonna turn my back for one minute, and I want whoever stole David Blunkett's dog to put it back.
- HD - The delegates were so impressed by Menzies Campbell's speech that they gave him a ten minute standing cremation
- MJ - Ah, kiss the baby, no, I'd better not, it might set my tag off.
- DM - Well I must say on this issue, I'm with Al-Qaeda.
- HD - (Scottish accent) So for Scottish independence and cheaper parking, vote SNCP.
- RH - In an attempt to be more like Barack Obama, Gordon Brown has sensationally blacked up.
- BN - And I do believe we are the only party who are going to do anything about the amount of unemployed dwarves in this country, In fact, I saw one just outside holding a sign that said "No job, too small".
- HD - We're gonna open this BNP conference with a prayer, so if you'd all like to turn towards Mecca.
Unlikely Things To Hear On a History Documentary
- RH: Now follows a documentary about the Queen Mother. Which contains nudity and strong language from the start.
- HD: And it was here, on this exact spot that faced with thirty thousand baying frenchmen, that Henry the Fifth... shat himself.
- DM: (scrapes throat) On the first day of the Battle of the Somme, over sixty thousand documentaries were commissionned.
- MJ: (imitates old voice) I was in the parachute ridgement, I was dropped over occupied territory. (imitates falling) Four thousand feet, three thousand, two thousand... I pulled the cord (pulls imaginary cord)... my cagoule tightened.
- AP: Two world wars, and one World Cup. Doo dah.
- BN: And it was actually here, in this very tower, the princes were slaughtered, William on Red Bull and vodka and um...
- MJ: 1547. Nostradamus predicts the rock group the Kaiser Chiefs. He also predicts a riot.
- RH: A one-sided battle stood William of Orange. on the other side Charles of O2 and Richard of Vodafone.
- AP: The final outcome of the Second World War has changed the world forever. So, if you don't want to know the result, look away now.
- BN: Next: Eva Braun: The inventor of the Lady Shave.
- MJ: So it was my job to assasinate Himmler. So I stood behind a tree and waited for his car to come around the corner. Then I lept out and said 'Boo!' Sometimes, all we had was the element of surprise.
- HD: Napoleon was in prison in St. Helena, which was extremely uncomfortable for her. Her hands were pointy, and he never took his boots off.
- DM: The Loch Ness Monsters. Fact or fiction? Fiction, goodnight.
- MJ: (imitates old voice) Of course, during the war, I was brought up in Dorset. None of us expected the surprise Japanese attack on Poole Harbour.