The following is a guide to the Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions made in the fourth episode of the seventh series.
Unlikely Things To Hear On a Consumer Program
- FB: (impersonating Adrian Chiles) I'm Adrian Chiles and I was shocked by the new Shrek film. I've not been paid for it and I seem to be starring in it!
- HD: Consumer scams are on the increase. If you'd like to find out how to stop them, send us your name and address, your date of birth and your mother's maiden name.
- RH: I just found out my jumper was made by Indian slave children. Can I just say they did a wonderful job.
- FB: Next we speak to Barbara who was devastated when she bought Daniel Bedingfield tickets that turned out to to genuine.
- HD: At first, the company seemed willing to compromise. Then we sent them a letter from Nicky Campbell and they told us to fuck off.
- AP: I won't be on this show next week because I'm going off to Nigeria to pick up my lottery winnings.
- FB: Last week we said we were going to expose London's security scene. This week, there's been a misunderstanding, could I please have my kids back?
- RH: On closer inspection Miss Wilkins, your hamster's jacuzzi would appear to be a food blender!
- FB: Hi, I'm Nicky Campbell, and I've been ploughing through the usual five sacks of hate mail to find this letter complaining about washing powder.
- HD: Today, as I stand before you penniless in the last clothes I own, we ask, Is divorce biased in favor of the greedy bitch who left me?
- RH: We got there, the weather were crap, the food were crap, the locals were racist, what a bloody brilliant holiday!
- AH: Of the half dozen condoms we tested, all but two burst in my stomach.
- FB: I'm Anne Robinson, and without plastic surgery, I'd look like E.T's balls.
- HD - And they've called in the video referee. Which is better, Alien or Predator?
- AP - OH THAT'S A GREAT UPPERCUT, AND ANOTHER ONE. BUT HEY, THE DJ IS STILL NOT GOING TO CHANGE THE TRACK, FOR STEVEN GERRARD!
- FB - Jimmy White holding up the cue there, as he collapses at the till in Oddbins.
- RH - Welcome to Robot Wars. Crusher, READY! Steven Hawking (in a robot-like voice) Ready.
- AH - And England have won the Ashes!
- FB - It's the Women's 100m final and from left to right it's: No, no, yes, maybe, from behind, (shakes head) definitely not.
- RH - The Queen smashes Camilla in the face and Prince Philip hits her with a hammer! This is what I call a Royal Rumble!
- FB - Venus Williams has brought something different to the ladies game: male genitalia.
- HD: And he's great with a dead ball! When I had one, I had to sit down for a week.
- AC - And I, uh, think that massive white screen closeup of the wedgie goes someway to explaining why we don't normally televise judo.
- FB - AND THAT BLOODY SMEAR IS THE REASON YOU DON'T SEE A LOT OF STREAKERS IN FORMULA 1!
- RH: Some people are on the pitch, they think it's all over! It is now, the Chinese Secret Police have shot them!
- HD: Well, he's finally got his head down, his hands are firmly around the shaft, which is why I'm handing over to John Inverdale.
- FB - Overpaid, overpaid knocks it onto overrated, overrated onto possible rapist, POSSIBLE RAPIST KNOCKS FORWARD TO CLOSET GAY, GOOOAAAL!!