- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- RH – Russell Howard
- SF – Stewart Francis
- ZL – Zoe Lyons
Unlikely Lines From a Thriller
FB: Michael, Peter, David, Vladimir - I think we may have a spy in the organisation.
HD: Get me the Pentagon, then the triangle, and then the square.
AP: Ah, Pussy Galore, Bond here. I've been told by my doctor that I need to contact all previous partners...
FB: The owner of this motel dresses up as his mother and stabs people. But the guidebook says it's still better than the IBIS.
HD: I want you to go to Warsaw, and meet a man called Boraslav. You'll then ask him why he didn't fix my plumbing before he left for home.
RH: Miss Scarlet looked at him through the window. He had one massive testicle like a space hopper. THAT was why they called him Professor Plum.
FB: This is no ordinary pen, Bond. Turn it upside down, the woman's clothes drop off and you can see her tits.
HD: Red or green? Red or green? Which do I cut? Come on, they're only peppers! How long is this salad going to take?
FB: We need to find the 3rd man! There's no way Amanda Holden will shag just two of us!
AP: The Orient Express has been cancelled. However, there was a murder on the temporary Orient replacement bus.
RH: I have amnesia. The tattoos on my body will tell me what happened. (looks under shirt) "Dara Was Here"?
FB: I'd been a serial killer for 4 years, but they'd never given me a nickname. Then you bite one guy on the ass, suddenly you're the Buttmuncher.
RH: Aaaagh, the Buttmuncher's got me! The Buttmuncher's got me!
Bad Things To Say At a Wedding
SF: (covers hand) I do.
HD: Don't worry, the vows are simple, just repeat after me: Eeneemeeneemakarakrerradominakajiggapokkalollipopparompompoosh.
RH: We will now sing hymn number 225, My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Yard.
FB: When John went down on one knee, I wish I'd known that he was having a stroke.
HD: I'd like to thank Elsie for the flowers. It was her funeral i nicked them from.
RH: So your best man's in an absolute state. That's my mum.
FB: (Yorkshire accent) Now, it's my job to tell some amusing stories about Gavin, so first of all, for a kick-off, he's a hermaphrodite.
HD: (South West accent) My bride always wears white. Isn't that right, Dolly? Baaaaaa!
FB: Now, Carol's family have always had their doubts about me. So first of all, let me explain why I'm naked...
ZL: This is my first gay wedding. So, you must be the pretty one.
FB: To my new son-in-law, I would say this: You have released me, this monster is yours now.
AP: I would like to apologise for the state of my clothes and the smell of sick, only I spent last night in a skip. Anyway, dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
HD: People have said to me, "Why have you stopped being a bachelor after so long?" And I say, well, look at her - she's wealthy and she's dying.
FB: It wouldn't be a traditional Norfolk wedding without a speech from the father of the bride and groom.