- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- FB – Frankie Boyle
- RH – Russell Howard
- SF – Stewart Francis
- EB – Ed Byrne
Bad Things To Hear At The Psychiatrists
FB - I don't want you to think of me as a psychiatrist. I want you to think of me as a mental patient who killed a psychiatrist before you got here.
HD - You think you are a potato? On the couch, please.
EB - Welcome to your first session of Freudian analysis. What seems to be the penis?
FB - Well you say that you're paranoid, but I have a report here that says you looked very relaxed in the bath this morning.
AP - Oh yes, I can see why you fancy your mother. She's something of a fox.
RH - I see you've tried to commit suicide five times. your dad was right, you are useless!
FB - You've been coming here for six months to talk about your trust issues... while we've been filming you for Britain's Nuttiest Bastards!
HD - Yes I think your parents caused you problems from a very early age, Clitorina.
SF - Your thoughts that you're horrifficly unattractive are all in your mind... Mister... Johnson?
RH - Okay, word association. I'm going to say a word and I want you to say the first thing that pops into your breasts.
EB - Wow, th- that's really interesting. Do you mind if I use some of this stuff as lyrics for my band?
FB - You have emotional problems and a below average IQ. I'm prescribing Hollyoaks.
EB - Oh, that's a classic dream. It means you're a pedophile.
RH - I want you to go to your happy place. Judging by the size of you, that's probably Greggs.
FB - Hypnosis could certainly help with your intimacy issues. While you were unconscious I rested my nuts on your head.
Unlikely Things To Hear On a TV Talent Show
FB - 2007's winner Leon Jackson is still selling records... at his Saturday job at HMV Paisley.
SF - Of course it's not a freak show! Now get your Siamese twin asses on that stage and you nail "Papa Don't Preach"!
FB - Two crosses light up and the crowd cheers as... Stavros Flatley are crucified in flames.
RH - (Yorkshire accent) Hello! I'm Rita, I'm 87, and I'm gonna do keepie up with me boobs! Hey, I'm like bloody Ronaldo, look at me go!
EB - Okay you're right, I don't really have any talent. But I'm kinda cute. I'm Kylie Minogue's sister for God's sake!
FB - What a hilarious singing dog... Susan Boyle is.
HD - When you- when you said you were going to saw a woman in half... I thought you were a magician.
EB - Oh, my family aren't going to believe it when they see me on TV. They think I'm dead!
AP - Hello, I'm Susan Boyle, and I would like to say hello to my brother Frankie. (waves)
FB - Susan Boyle is not related to me. None of my relatives will ever manage to chisel their way out of that cellar.
HD - I am an escapologist. Today, I have escaped from Broadmoor!
FB - Next on ITV4 is ITV3's coverage of ITV2's Making Of documentary about the coverage on ITV4.
AP - Hello, I'm Billy Cock, and this is my partner, Brian Balls, and together we are... Billy and Brian!
RH - Behold, my magical racist cat! (Mancunian accent) "They come over here, they steal our bloody jobs, Meow! I'm not havin' it!"
FB - That was a beautiful song... until you fucking sang it!