SW: Oh! Oh you've already given Michael his dosage... (squints his eyes and puts his teeth on his lower lip)
FB: It's not a photocopier, it's a shredder, and what've you done to your arse?
RH: (Mancunian accent) So, you probably want to know how I got the nickname "Dog Botherer".
AP: Imagine that! My first day at work, and I appear to have slipped on a wet floor! Hmm, I think I might be entitled to compensation!
FB: D'you mind if I leave early, I've got to pick up the kids.. before their parents get there.
HD: He's the CEO, he's the COO and I'm head of the agricultural division, the CIEIO.
FB: Now, I want y'all to put down those football boots that you've been sewing, because I've heard that it's somebody's very special 11th birthday and we've got you a photo of a cake! (singing to the tune of Happy Birthday) Han chawaa ho chong waa, han chawaa ho...
HD: Don't worry, this isn't the first operation I've done, last time I got always the whole way 'round before the buzzer went off.
RH: We've run out of semi-skimmed, so I've topped your coffee up with breast milk.
FB: What do you mean it's not your turn to make the coffee? This is fucking Starbucks!
FM: Get off, you're shit!
HD: Whoops! Heh heh, this air traffic control thing's not as easy as it looks!
FB: I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO WORK IN A LIBRARY! IF ONLY I COULD READ!
Unlikely Things To Hear On a Property Programme
FB: Next, Cash in the Attic: Tennis player Pat Cash has a nervous breakdown, and decides to haunt his estranged family.
HD: Today, we help Al-Megrahi swap his one bedroom cell, for a Libyan Place In the Sun!
FB: This couple's grand design, is to turn an abbatoir into an old folks' home by changing the sign.
RH: I'm Sarah Beeny and I'm not pregnant.
AP: You can't decide between the two properties? Well, you're an MP! Why don't you claim for them both?
FM: The thing is, I have actually heard that in a property programme in Scotland. And remember, the prices of property can go down, as well as plummet.
FB: You know I said "Those ghastly beams, what on earth are they for?" It turns out, they were for holding your house up.
RH:(posh accent) Hello, I'm Laurance Llewelyn-Bowen, and I am so posh I have actually got a swan for a penis.
HD: Michael has always wanted to live in the country. And now he does. His business has collapsed, and he's living in a caravan in field in Herefordshire.
FB: Even on a collapsing market, you can still make money form a flat like this. We've invited three different estate agents to come and evaluate, then harvested their organs.
AP: Welcome to this episode of Homes Under The Hammer where we attack Eamonn Holmes with a hammer.
RH: Next on Location, Location, Location, Kirstie and Phil finally go at it like dogs.
SW: And obviously this will all be included in the-- dear oh my god he's back early - QUICK, OUT OF THE GARDEN!
HD: Well, we've visited five properties so far, but they've all had alarms, so no joy there.
FB: Very spacious and with wonderful views, but this flat is in Dundee, so it might as well be built out of shit.
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