The following is a guide to the Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions made in the first episode of the eighth series.
Unlikely Things To Hear On Crimewatch
- PK: (impersonating Bruce Forsyth) But before we see tonight's crimes, let's meet the judges!
- RH: Police say they are looking for a black man in his twenties, and that they always will be.
- HD: Do you recognize this man? Thought not, it's Nick Clegg.
- MJ: They say criminals always return to the scene of a crime, which is why we've probably got so many Australians over here.
- AP: Coming up next week, we'll be trying to solve the murders of the people who phoned up giving infomation on criminals this week.
- HD: Today we are looking at identity theft. I'm- (frowns)
- RH: All the victims are deaf, dumb or blind, these are senseless killings.
- MW: Baffled police are appealing for help, do you know where Wally is?
- MJ: So uh, if you're being interrogated by the police and they're recording the interview just make sure that every so often you go (claps his hands) ow.
- HD: Tonight, The Great Train Robbery. London to Glasgow, two hundred and thirty five pounds a turn.
- AP: Tonight, we're looking for the man who keeps on burgling my home every time I present this programe.
- PK: (impersonating Ray Winstone) Hello and welcome to Crimewatch, I'm your host Ray Winstone, LEAVE IT YOU SLAG!
- MJ: Don't go camping in the countryside. If you notice that whenever the police find a body, it's always in a tent.
- HD: Hello, I'm Nick Ross and tonight I'm asking: who stole my fucking job?
Unlikely Things To Hear On A TV Election Debate
- PK: The truth.
- RH: Labour, READY!, Tories READY!, BRING ON THE WALL!!
- HD: I think of this studio as a second home. Which is why I'm claiming expenses for it.
- AP: The lines have closed. Gordon, it could be you. David, it could be you. Nick, it's not gonna be you.
- MJ: We in the Tory Party are going to give the north of England a huge boost. And then all the people can come out and lick the chocolate off it.
- MW: If you're elected you'll raise taxes! If your mum's elected she will.
- PK: It's me who's got you into this mess, and it's him that'll get you out of it.
- HD: And at the end of that round, Gordon, you've scored no points.
- MJ: I'm really very very proud of my working-class roots. When I was growing up, we only had an outside toilet, eventually, we got enough money to buy a house!
- AP: Cheryl, Tonight you're going to be mentoring the Lib Dems
- RH: Lembit Opik, What's your real name?
- HD: How will we shorten waiting lists? Simple. By letting the weak die.
- MJ: (in a high pitched voice) Hellooo! I am the Messiah! And the Queen is a biscuit!
- HD: I am almost certain, that was a floating voter.