The following is a guide to the Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions made in the second episode of the eighth series.
Unlikely Things To Hear At An Award Ceremony
- HD: Our next award is for Most Inaccurate Weather Forecast Of the Year. Let's look at the nine thousand nominees.
- RH: Welcome to the Islamic Awards for Acting, or as we call them, "The Moscars."
- CA: C- well, gosh, so many people to thank! Um, where to begin? Uh, obvious one I suppose, Hitler, eh- WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?! WHAT?!
- AP: And the award for Best Envelope Glue goes to... (imitates trying to open a shut envelope)
- HD: Now, Teacher of the Year. Quiet down, it's your own time you're wasting.
- CA: Time now for us to celebrate some of the stars of show business who, sadly, are still with us.
- JB: I'll just open the envelope... Oh, it's full of gold.
- RH: And the award for Special Effects goes to the team behind Gordon Brown's smile.
- SM: And now, we're gonna watch a film, showing some of the people that we've lost this year, including two you didn't even now were dead!
- RH: (imitates reading from a list) I'd bang that, I'd bang that, wouldn't bang that, I'd bang that. Anyway, the award for Best Actress goes to...
- HD: (walks in from background) Welcome to the Accident at Work Awards- (falls)
- AP: And the winner of the Suicide Bomber of the Year... I'm afraid they couldn't be with us tonight...
- JB: And the winner of the Best Scientist in Physics... there's no ramp, Stephen Hawking, it's not you.
Things You Wouldn't Want To Hear On a Cruise
- RH: THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING! WELCOME TO SOMALI CRUISES!
- HD: We've had reports of an iceberg, but don't worry; no ship has ever been sunk by a lettuce.
- CA: (Irish accent) Hello and welcome to RyanAir Cruises. The following safety announcement is incredibly vital if you want to stay alive. And if you'd like to hear that, that'll be an extra £5.
- HD: No, no, we very rarely get any injuries from people playing quoits. You were just unlucky to be sunbathing naked with an erection.
- JB: Oh, yeah, we were on it last year when it sunk.
- RH: If you look to your there's a man eating squid. After that, he's having chips.
- AP: I would like to apologize for the rocking of this boat, but we are currently being humped by a whale.
- JB: Hey, thanks for coming to the show. I've gotta be honest, it's been awhile since I've sung this one. (singing) Do you wanna be in my gang bang gang bang?
- RH: (Mancunian accent) Welcome to Rita's erotic ping-pong bingo! (imitates a bingo cage spinning) 2 fat ladies, 88! (imitates it again) All the 3's, 33! (loud noise) Oh, some hobnobs!
- HD: For those of you gathering on the car deck, I said we would soon be docking, not dogging.
- SM: I'm looking for a really old husband with money. How's your heart?
- CA: (creepy voice) Yo, man... I'm in the cabin next to yours. Could you be a bit noisier when you're having sex?
- AP: There appears to have been an incident in the swimming pool. If a Mr. Barrymore could contact the captain...