Unlikely Things To Read In a Valentine's Day Card
RH - I may be dyslexic, but that doesn't mean I don't vole you.
AP - Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got something nasty, and now so do you.
HW - You make me so hot, I can't stop thinking of you... Lots of love, Mum.
JW - Happy Valentine's Day on this 24th of February. Love, Royal Mail.
AP - You're the perfect person for me: pissed, and gagging for it.
RH - Be my valentine or die in a well.
HD - I love your eyes, I love your nose, I love your smell... Why must you be a labrador?
AP - Do we have to go through this shit every year?
HD - You make my pants hot! Yours, Ohmafruk Abdul Mutallah.
JW - To my darling wife! Roses are red, violets are blue, Valentine's Day is consumerous bullshit, now, haven't you got some ironing to do?
HW - Roses are red, poppies are red, the grass is all red-- SHIT, THE GARDEN'S ON FIRE!
MJ - I'm a bit of a man for the ladies. Doesn't matter how clearly the gents are signposted.
RH - I love you so much, I love you like no other, but never again les up with my mother!
JW - Life with me baby's like on a roller coaster: It's got a weight restriction.
HD - There's just three words I want to say: "Dream on, bitch!"
Unlikely Things To Hear In A Science Programme
MJ - 1643: the cold air balloon is invented, but it doesn't really take off.
HD - For Einstein, it was easy to choose a DJ name, he would be MC Squared.
JW - Hello, I'm Dr. Gillian McKeith and today I'll be sifting through your poop. Why? Because I was never hugged as a child.
AP - Now on 5, Crop Circles: Myth or Bollocks?
RH - Next, to demonstrate chaos theory, we've locked Boris Johnson in a room with an aardvark and some magic mushrooms.
MJ - I was the man who discovered DNA. I wasn't gonna call it that but I was giving a lecture to the Royal Society and I said "Gentleman, I believe I've discovered the genetic fingerprint of all human life. Da-Na!"
HW - I'm Richard Dawkins, good night and God bless. Shit!
HD - Thanks to carbon dating, this skeleton is now going out with a short sighted geology student who likes thin people that don't talk much.
MJ - 1891, Sir Alexander Graham Ben receives the first wrong number telephone call.
AP - He realised that this equation was going to take him absolutely years, so he switched to a Media Studies course, which was a piece of piss.
MJ - I did have here a pie chart to demonstrate obesity.
HW - Apart from the human, the only animal to enjoy having sex is the dolphin. I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out.
RH - I'm a meerkat. She's not lying.
JW - Tonight we'll be discussing molecular science. Our guests are Sir Patrick Moore, Robert Winston, and Dappy off of N-Dubz.
RH - With their tiny arms, could the T-Rex self pleasure? Let's find out in another edition of Wanking With Dinosaurs.
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