- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- RH – Russell Howard
- CA – Chris Addison
- EB – Ed Byrne
- KB – Kevin Bridges
Unlikely Things To Get Through Your LetterboxEdit
AP - Royal Mail parcel delivery: We called, you were in, so we ran away before you could answer.
RH - Just three pounds a month will save last year's X Factor winner from starving.
HD - Do you know what's in your attic? It's me. I've been there since Christmas.
EB - Have you seen this dog? No? Maybe your windows are too dirty. Call Kevin, the window cleaner.
AP - Are you looking for a dog walking service? Then call Ace Kebabs on 318 318.
HD - Computer problems? Let me come round and swear at it.
RH - Why has your girlfriend stopped changing near the window? Love, Dad.
CA - Pizza: Buy one, pay full price.
EB - How's my driving? Call 0800 CRASHEDINTOYOURHOUSE.
KB - Dear Mrs Winehouse: congratulations on turning 100. Best wishes, the Queen.
HD - Need a room clearing? Call me. I'll come round and fart in it.
AP - Looking for an undertaker? Why not call Ace Kebabs on 318 318?
CA - Gardening service. Middle of the night a specialty. Call Rose West on Broadmoor - (Audience interrupts) - what, too soon? Too soon?
EB - Hi, my name's Ashley Cole. Here's a picture of me naked.
HD - Would you recognize a fake ID? No? Great, I'll be back in ten minutes.
AP - The Taj Mahal Indian Restaurant. Formerly Ace Kebabs.
RH - Open your letterbox. (speaks higher) It's meeeeee! (speaks lower) I'll get through one day...
Things You Wouldn't Hear At The Winter OlympicsEdit
AP - And here are the British ice dance pair Heather Mills and John Sergeant.
RH - And now over to bobsled. Bob, how's the curling?
EB - And while we wait for them to get set up there we'll just pan the camera around. Beautiful scenery - oh look, there's a herd of moose! Oh no, that's the Romanian women's ice hockey team.
HD - This is the big hill...oh! That's long, that's very long, he's gonna wish he'd done his flies up!
KB - Its 1am in the UK, you're watching the woman's figure skating. Why not just bite the bullet and turn to Television X for the 10 minute Freeview?
AP - And Britain comes away with two gold, two silver and a bronze. Well, that will teach the Austrians a lesson for leaving their locker open.
CA - And with conditions here reaching a bitter -20 C the British hopeful from Newcastle has put on a second string vest.
KB - You're watching the women's curling... men's curling... women's... you're watching the curling!
AP - No one has more experience on the ice than him. What a wonderful games it's been so far for Pingu!
EB - And the conditions are perfect here, aren't they John? Yes they are, Bob, I haven't seen this much white powder since that stag weekend at a hotel in Bangkok.
HD - Oh, and that's what ice hockey is all about: a man having his head repeatedly smashed into a glass wall.
RH - The ski jump will start as soon as the British skier takes his hand off the side and stops crying.
AP - And there, the skier's surprisingly stopped off halfway down for a mulled wine and a shit!