- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- RH – Russell Howard
- CA – Chris Addison
- EB – Ed Byrne
- KB – Kevin Bridges
Unlikely Things To Get Through Your Letterbox
AP - Royal Mail parcel delivery: We called, you were in, so we ran away before you could answer.
RH - Just three pounds a month will save last year's X Factor winner from starving.
HD - Do you know what's in your attic? It's me. I've been there since Christmas.
EB - Have you seen this dog? No? Maybe your windows are too dirty. Call Kevin, the window cleaner.
AP - Are you looking for a dog walking service? Then call Ace Kebabs on 318 318.
HD - Computer problems? Let me come round and swear at it.
RH - Why has your girlfriend stopped changing near the window? Love, Dad.
CA - Pizza: Buy one, pay full price.
EB - How's my driving? Call 0800 CRASHEDINTOYOURHOUSE.
KB - Dear Mrs Winehouse: congratulations on turning 100. Best wishes, the Queen.
HD - Need a room clearing? Call me. I'll come round and fart in it.
AP - Looking for an undertaker? Why not call Ace Kebabs on 318 318?
CA - Gardening service. Middle of the night a specialty. Call Rose West on Broadmoor - (Audience interrupts) - what, too soon? Too soon?
EB - Hi, my name's Ashley Cole. Here's a picture of me naked.
HD - Would you recognize a fake ID? No? Great, I'll be back in ten minutes.
AP - The Taj Mahal Indian Restaurant. Formerly Ace Kebabs.
RH - Open your letterbox. (speaks higher) It's meeeeee! (speaks lower) I'll get through one day... (HD appears behind him, peering though the ‘letterbox’)
Things You Wouldn't Hear At The Winter Olympics
AP - And here are the British ice dance pair Heather Mills and John Sergeant.
RH - And now over to bobsled. Bob, how's the curling?
EB - And while we wait for them to get set up there we'll just pan the camera around. Beautiful scenery - oh look, there's a herd of moose! Oh no, that's the Romanian women's ice hockey team.
HD - This is the big hill...oh! That's long, that's very long, he's gonna wish he'd done his flies up!
KB - Its 1am in the UK, you're watching the women's figure skating. Why not just bite the bullet and turn to Television X for the 10 minute Freeview?
AP - And Britain comes away with two gold, two silver and a bronze. Well, that will teach the Austrians a lesson for leaving their locker open.
CA - And with conditions here reaching a bitter -20 C the British hopeful from Newcastle has put on a second string vest.
KB - You're watching the women's curling... men's curling... women's... you're watching the curling!
AP - No one has more experience on the ice than him. What a wonderful games it's been so far for Pingu!
EB - And the conditions are perfect here, aren't they John? Yes they are, Bob, I haven't seen this much white powder since that stag weekend at a hotel in Bangkok.
HD - Oh, and that's what ice hockey is all about: a man having his head repeatedly smashed into a glass wall.
RH - The ski jump will start as soon as the British skier takes his hand off the side and stops crying.
AP - And there, the skier's surprisingly stopped off halfway down for a mulled wine and a shit!