The following is a guide to the Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions made in the first episode of the ninth series.
Commercials That Never Aired
- AP: Our website shows the complete range of pubic wigs: comparethemerkin.com!
- RH: Want to dress like you've got no GCSEs? Come on down to JJB!
- HD: (quickly) This ad may be thoroughly misleading, the product may not work and it may burn your face off.
- MJ: (In a deep raspy voice) Carlsberg don't do liver transplants, but if they did...
- RH: Fed up with your dull grey hair? Get used to it, you're a squirrel.
- DM: The Daily Star: because it's cheaper than toilet paper.
- CA: Have you been injured in a trip or fall? Would you like to be injured in a trip or fall? Call Barry.
- HD: Incest: Just do it.
- AP: Marmite: you either love it or you hate it or you think it's okay, but you'd rather have marmalade.
- RH: (Holding two hands down smiling) I'm a rabbit and they test make-up on me, but I don't mind cos I'm a bit of a slag.
- CA: Burger King: Because you can't taste anything when you're pissed!'
- HD: Have you got long dry hair? Could we stuff it down an oil well?
- AP: Oi Churchill! Have you been rubbing your arse on the carpet again?
- DM: Hello I'm Carol Vorderman and this is my grandmother. Yes, I will literally sell anything.
- MJ: I used to drink Strongbow Cider with my mate Dave but he was killed by an arrow.
- RH: It's Christmas everyday with new Brussel Sprout flavour condoms! Mmm, tastes like Grandma's ankles!
- HD: Do you want your erectile dysfunction dealt with confidentially and sympathetically? Call floppywilly.com.
Things You Don't Want to Hear in Hospital
- RH: I'm afraid it's the big C. It fell off the sign at Currys and hit your wife on the head.
- CA: Um, who's penis is this?
- HD: Come on PUSH, PUSH. We've got no staff and the bed needs moving!
- AP: So, just checking your notes, you're Mrs. A... Oh, I'm sorry, you've got MRSA.
- RH: You have acute angina and your tits aren't bad either!
- DM: And if you don't want to know the results of your tests, look away now.
- HD: I'll er, I'll tell you something funny about Dr. Thomas, in his handwriting, the words "tonsils" and "genitals" look exactly the same.
- AP: We're going to put you to sleep now because you're old and it's the kindest thing to do.
- MJ: So, talk me through it again, Mrs. Hopkins. You were having Sunday dinner, you said to your husband "will you carve?" and he just lay down on the floor and gave birth to a baby cow.
- CA: Of course it's upsetting but you know, Hitler only had one ball and look how well he did!
- DM: This is hospital radio. I'm Chris Moyles and I'll be with you for the next 14 hours.
- AP: Accept this sacrifice O mighty Satan!
- RH: I don't like the look of the charts Mr. Wilkins. Dizzee Rascal at number one.
- HD: How many fingers? That's right, two. Fuck off.